The truth is revealed

I certainly wish that by "the truth is revealed" I was saying I had an epiphany, but as my luck would have it that is not the case. Again, I would just like to reiterate my last blog on authenticity. Why is it that men (and I am aware I am generalizing but I'm speaking of most and not all) feel the need to be big fat liars. Guaranteed that the very guy who claims out-right to be a one woman man and doesn't want to play games is just the opposite.

My personal opinion, these types need affirmation from women. For whatever reason they don't have it within themselves to feel good about themselves, so they get thier jollies from screwing with women's heads and jerking them around and then waiting to see if they will come running back for more, or even better, chase after them.

Well, let me tell you... don't expect to see me running. I just thank the Lord for letting me be in the right place at the right time to see the real deal... I just had to go to my cousins bachelorette outing... and the kicker is we didn't even end up where we had planned to go after dinner- the skating rink, lol. Apparently, adults aren't allowed after 11pm, so by the time we got there it wasn't worth the money for the short amount of time we had left.

My first reaction was to feel like an idiot... played for a FOOL!!! Shoulda seen it coming. But you know what, I'm not the idiot or the fool, I'm the gracious woman who made the decision (and will continue to) to trust someone unless they give me a reason not to. Well, I have my reason... and I'm moving on!

Authenticity

One thing I am sure of at this point in my life is that authenticity, above all things, is important. Being authentic about who you are, what you believe, what you want, etc etc. Most of all, being authentic with God. After all, if you're not he knows it, and it only serves to further the divide in your relationship with him... or any relationship for that matter.

On that note, I have strove to be authentic in presenting who I am to anyone. I don't know that for the most part I have gotten that in return. I'm struggling with the fact that people tend to be so fake. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And remember that when your mama told you "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." that she meant just what she said - don't say anything... at all - not "make up something to make the person feel good." Can I get an amen?!

Authenticity means that no matter what a person may think about me in the end it is more important for me to be who I am than who they want me to be. It means that my list of friends is on the short end, but that list of friends are authentic friends, one's who will be there for me no matter what. No drama, no alterior motives, no manipulation... my get real, no guts no glory, wholehearted, lifetime friends. I think I rather like it that way.

Authenticity also means that I don't wear the masks that many others do. I don't play the games. I don't attempt to be the person I think someone will like or manipulate others with my actions. I do and say what I think necessary to convey my thoughts and feelings, no more, no less. This can put me at a disadvantage more so than I think I had realized because people say they don't want to play games but they still go around doing things to get reactions and waiting on the persons next move.

It can be shocking when you run into someone who is authentic in a world full of fakes, because I'm not hiding my imperfections and flaws. But this is my thought on the deal... get it out there, be real, and if someone doesn't like you for who you really are then you're not wasting your time. I'm not about to apologize for being imperfect, face it, we all are. And I certainly will not apologize for being the person that God made me. I fully believe that if you can't be authentic before the people you care about most then you have much less of a relationship with them than you think, because they don't know the real you.

It's been a difficult road to this place in my life and I'm sure there are difficulties to come. Until recently I would like to have thought that the hardest lessons were behind me, but God has certainly pointed out to me that that is not the case. But he has promised to give me grace needed to handle whatever besets me until then, and even beyond.

So, I will continue being authentic. And if someone doesn't find me endearing or attractive or want to be friends with me, that is ok. I just want authenticity in return. If that means someone walking out of my life soon after they walk in, so be it. It's like waxing vs tweezing, the tweezing only draws out the inevitable and plucks away at you, while waxing gets it over with quick. I vote for waxing!

LF

Another month, another blog

Ok, so I was all about doing my regular blogs at first... and it's been almost a month and nothing. Give me credit though, I think I keep it up more so than most.

Anyway... so on to what is going on in my life...

Lately I've felt very moved at just the thought of what God is doing in my life. I can't imagine where I'd be right now if he hadn't gotten my attention and drawn me back to him. But my Father never gave up on me, his grace has been sufficient for me to make through alot of hurdles lately.

It's been a little odd for me because it seems he's been working very quietly. Things have been pretty calm, and I guess I had gotten so used to clinging to him in the storms that I've almost felt distant from him. I do know that I don't pray as much or stay in His Word as much as I should, and as much as I would if I were in the midst of trials. Will I ever learn? But sure as salvation I know he's there and he reminds me every now and then. I think... he gave his Son to die on the cross for my sins, and I have a hard time taking an hour out of my day to spend some time with him reading his word and talking with my God? How shameful!

I find myself being convicted not only when I say or do things I shouldn't, but when I think things I shouldn't or have a bad attitude. I see more and more things that I need to work on... or rather let the Lord work through me (or out of me, as it may seem, lol). So, I know he's there... and I know he's working on me. I think for so long I was spiritually stagnant and I didn't form good habits that I am now having to put alot of effort towards establishing now.

No small miracle, I have lost 10 lbs! Praise the Lord he has given me the strength to stick to my diet, even while I was on vacation and for over a month now! That's awesome!

I'm also working on getting a few of my songs copyrighted right now so that I can work on scoring them and have someone put an arrangement together for me. I'll be recording them once all that is done so that I can send them to a few labels. I intend to sell the songs... at this point in my life (unlike a few years back) I have no desire to go on the road as a performer. Do I still love to sing... oh yeah. And I love to perform too, don't get me wrong... but I just want to be a Mom, and I love my job and my life, and my wonderful church family... I don't want to miss any of that. I don't think that is what the Lord has for me. At least not in this season of my life. Besides, in the secular music industry I feel it would be too much about me... I want to glorify the Lord with the gifts he's given me, not myself... somthing that took a long time for me to understand and take hold of.

Things are going pretty well with Jason at this point. We've been talking.... and talking and talking and talking (I feel like a highschool girl again). We're going out this weekend... a date, a real date! He's incredible! He's got this wonderful way of making me laugh... and he truly wants to the man God has called him to be. Everything I had been hearing lately was about trusting the Lord for his promises and waiting on him and that the Lord always fulfills his promises when we least expect it. I continued to wait expectantly, but I quit worrying... God works fast!

Jason is exactly where I am in his expectations and desires at this point in his life. For all accounts, so far as I can tell, he looks like a perfect match. Now, I've left it in the Lord's hands and he will take care of it so long as we keep our eyes on him. I'm praying that he guards our hearts and gives us wisdom and discernment concerning the development of our relationship, whether it be friendship or whether it be more. And I for one am excited to see where the Lord takes us!

So, there has been alot going on, and unlike usual I didn't talk a whole lot about my wonderful precious daughter. But speaking of her she just woke up from her nap and she isn't feeling well, so I must go tend to her.

Take care all and God bless!

LF

Independent on Independence Day

There's so much that has come to light for me in the last few days that I had not to this point thought of. Sure, I knew that for some reason I need to have a place of my own, my own space where I don't feel the pressure to stay out of anyone elses way. I have often wondered though, it's difficult raising a child as a single mom and balancing work, a child, household chores and errands, and some sembalence of a social life when I live with my parents who help out alot... how in the world do I think I can do it all alone. I am certainly thankful for the support but I think I have finally put my finger on what it is about living in a house with my parents and trying to raise a child that is so difficult... and the funny thing is, they had to leave for me to figure it out, lol.

So, the scoop is that Mom and Capelli have gone on this week long frollick on the motocycle to Tennessee. We've missed them, of course... but KK and I have had ourselves a very nice time. I have been quite productive in getting laundry done, keeping the house tidy, fixing dinner, cleaning up KK's meal time messes, bath time, story time, and bed time, and subsequently, bill paying time, phone time, a little bit of TV time, and many other things. I even managed to host a July 4th cook out and did most of the prep, cooking, and clean up. I'm quite proud of myself, because for anyone who knows me you realize what an accomplishment it is for me to keep my head together from start to finish of an event... scatter-brained as I am.

I have had a bit of a social life this week as well. Of course there was the cook out and I have eaten dinner at friends houses and watch a movie one night. I have also had the opportunity to catch up with friends via the phone.

So... what happened? What is so dramatically different about Mom and Capelli not being here? This is what I have surmized... I simply don't feel the pressure to measure up to their standards rather than my own. I don't feel that twing of anxiety when I leave KK's meal time mess under the high chair to clean up after I give her a bath. I don't have to wonder "what'd I do or not do now" every time I hear my name called across the house. I don't have to worry that KK is disturbing someone's television time or sleep. I can do laundry when it's convenient for me without having to worry about those darn metal buttons and clamps clanging in the dryer and disturbing someone's sleep. Simply put, I can do things my way... and that makes my life so much easier.

See, although my mother and I are very much alike, our brains think on completely different spectrums. If I do something one way, you better believe she will have a way of doing it that is completely opposite... the problem with that is that we both are pretty particular about the way things are done... she likes her way and I like mine. Silly, I know, but for example I'm picky about the way clothes and towels are folded as is she... that is a source of contention in our household, lol. Really, if we do eachother's laundry we try to comply with eachother's standards as much as possible, but it's hard to re-train yourself. But... that's just a silly example. We really do think on different brain waves, we can even draw two totally different conclusions from the same story or movie.

So, naturally, the way I do things around the house is different, in a different order of priority, using different methods, etc. Where I would happily spray an area with cleanser and mop it up with a dish cloth and my feet my mother would probably get out the real thing and do a quick damp mop.

While I'm in the bathroom bathing KK who often comes out of her highchair covered in whatever was for dinner Mom may pass by her meal time mess several times. It doesn't bother me... I'm not looking at it, I wouldn't even think of it if I weren't concerned with it bothering her or Capelli, but trust it is probably bothering her. She is probably wondering when I will clean it up or even if I will. If it were her she would clean the mess before bathing KK. I don't know how, because she needs a bath before she can be let loose or the house would be peas and carrot crusted work of art... but she knows how because she thinks differently than I do. By worry about meeting her standards I get myself worked up and in a hurry to get things done before anyone gets in a tizzy. Consequently, I'm doing things contrary to my thought pattern and the way my brain works, which throws me into one of those scatter-brained spins and I forget about the laundry that needs to be put in the dryer or the dishes in the sink, or I sweep the mess under the highchair into a pile but never make it back with the dust pan. It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but as I'm doing one thing I'm frantically thinking of all the other things that need to be done that Mom would probably have already had done if it were her.

I know this is getting long and drawn out, but it was good to get all this out on virtual paper, hehe. Suffice to say that being independent on Independence Day was a good experience for me. Not only have I come to realize where the difficulty is, which is half the battle in resolving it (if indeed it is resolvable), but I think I also gained some confidence in my own abilities as a mother and a homemaker.... yeah, a homemaker... just because I work outside the home doesn't mean I don't have to work when I get here. I think someone forgot to mention that somewhere along the way... bummer. But I wouldn't change a thing. Life's most precious gifts are usually the one's you have to work the hardest for. We've all learned the lesson that you appreciate things more when you have to work for them.

Carpe diem!

LF

Refining Silver

This is the story on refining silver that I was talking about. Some may have heard or seen it before, but I love it and I'm posting it.

Please note that I did not write this and the author is unknown. Enjoy!

There was a group of woman in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter 3, they came across verse 3 which says:

"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..."

This verse puzzled the woman and they wondered what this statement means about the character and nature of God. One of the woman offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for the interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the siversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver...". She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh thats the easy part, when I see my image reflected in it."

Teach me thy ways

Ok, so the last few weeks I feel like I have been through the wringer. Life at 25 with a child living with your parents is not peachy. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of why I am here, but that time in my life is behind me and I am moving on to a much better, much happier life, the abundant life that God promises us. It's ours for the taking, but I have such a hard time remembering that I have to reach out for it daily... and die to myself and all my pride.

The jest of it is that I want so much more for KK, and I want more for me too. I want my own space. I want to live my life and raise my daughter without feeling like I've got my mother over my shoulder watching my every move. I'd be great if I felt like I was the Mom for once instead of her. The fact is that she's older, she has more experience, and she is wiser. Therefore, as I am trying to raise my daughter and be her mother, I get plenty of advice along the way... ampng other things. You say "You should be grateful for the help." Wait til you have your own children, you will know what I am talking about. She doesn't do it trying to make me feel inadequate, or even because she thinks I am... she's just trying to help. I have tried to make the point to her that I need to be able to care for KK myself and feel like I'm the mother. I need the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them like any other mother. She doesn't get it or she can't control that motherly instinct... I don't know which but I seriously am having difficulty with it.

In all the frustration and angst I tend to be a little on the testy side with her. I don't mean to, it just comes out... and then I'm thinking... what did I say that like that for. But of course who wants to admit they are wrong... I often do, but I don't like it. So I have been doing alot of apologizing lately. But I've continued like a spiral into this funk... I feel terrible about my current sitch when I should be grateful. There have been moments that I can't bear to think about it without tearing up. And it hit me... like a dagger in the heart. Oh Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. He's revealing things in me that need to change, things that I need to hand over to him. I'm telling you, this stuff will break your heart. For all he has done for me... and I'm stuck in this petty little rut?! Get over yourself L!

So, here I am bearing my soul... which is so unlike me. I have been through so much in my life and learned tough lessons about who you can trust. Needless to say I don't open up easily. Sure, I may share about myself, and some very deeply personal things, but not with the affect with which I share myself and who I truly am with someone I trust and care about. Those people in my life who not only know my story but know what it means to me, how it's shaped me, and how I feel about... those are my closest friends and love ones. They are the one's I trust and open up to. So, I'm shocking myself here.

I will totally have a fit if I lose another long heart felt blog before I can get it posted. Yeah, I had a good one ready to post a few nights ago and clicked a link that opened in the window that the blog I was getting ready to post was in. If you have ever done it you know what I'm talking about. I hit the back button and for the second time in my myspace stint I had lost it all!
So, anyway, my point really is that the Lord is working on me and using my circumstances to reveal things that he wants to change in me. So, I'm having some growth pains I guess you could say. Going thru the trials is bad enough but as Beth Moore would say, it slays me to have the truth revealed to me about myself.

Bless our God, O peoples!
Give him a thunderous welcome!
Didn't he set us on the road to life?
Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?
He trained us first,
passed us like silver through refining fires,
Brought us into hardscrabble country,
pushed us to our very limit,
Road-tested us inside and out,
took us to hell and back;
Finally he brought us
to this well-watered place.

Psalm 66:8-12 from The Message

For every difficulty, every trial, each and every spot He reveals and then burns out of me, I am coming closer to being pure, to showing a reflection of Christ in me. For that I am truly grateful because that means that despite my past I do not live in defeat and despair because I through Him I am victorious. That doesn't mean that everything will be great all the time, but that I have the joy of the Lord in my heart regardless of my circumstances.

I'm posting my favorite story about the refining of silver as soon as I can find it.

Thanks for listening!

LF

Miscellaneous life stuff

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. He has been so good to me spite my defiance. He continues to show me mercy and patience that I don't deserve. My lack of faith hasn't deterred him from his faithfulness to provide for Makayla and I. Yet here I am in the midst of so much change wondering what to do.

Is it really as simple as saying a prayer? You mean to tell me that all I have to do is ask You for guidance? So, You're saying that what You said in Your Word is true? --Wow, what a concept!!! How easily I forget.

It's engrained in my mind like a data on a hard drive, you never really can get rid of it... but how often I fail to put it into practice:

Proverbs 3:5&6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Thanks Stephen K for suggesting to read 1 chapter in Proverbs a day over and over... how wise!

OK, so people, seriously... pray for me. I'm currently house shopping and I want to make the right decision. Pray that the Lord will give me wisdom and discernment. Pray that I will listen for him and hear his wisper in my heart. He knows my desire to have a home of my own. But it may not be his timing now, so pray also that I will seek after his will and not my own.
What else??? I'm not sure. I had alot going on in my mind when I began this blog but it all seems to have been lost. That's what I get for trying to watch the news and type up my blog at the same time.

I was thinking today how excited I am about the new bible study we are starting for the Summer. I absolutely love Beth Moore. Her testimony and how God has used her has really been a blessing and speaks to me. She is truly annointed. We are starting her Daniel bible study this week. I just hope that I will be able to consistently find someone to watch KK for me on Thursday nights. Surely the Lord would not want me to miss out on this?

Yet another thing to consider, I've recently discovered some continuing ed classes offered online thru Darton for HR professionals that I would like to take. They are only 6 weeks long, and I would absolutely love to do it, but when I think of my days and how crammed they already are I can seem to possible justify it. Who will take care of Makayla while I try to do school work? (Well, I know who won't, but that is another blog in itself) How many of my precious few hours with her will that take up?

It seems to me that there are too few hours in the day. now, I'm not doubting the Lord's creation plan, but I'm non-stop untile at least 1am every night, and I'm lucky to have 3 nights that I get to sleep without disruption. And... it's all me... so I don't even have someone to complain about not getting up in the middle of the night or taking turns changing the poopie diapers. I wouldn't have it any other way, I absolutely adore my daughter, and I am quite aware of the reason I am in the situation I am in. But it just gets so blah sometimes. I wish I had someone to not only share the middle of the night duties, but also the great moments when she does the cutest, sweetest things in the world, or lays there sleeping peacefully with her little bottom hiked in the air and her little abdomen gently rising and falling.

Well, being that KK is asleep in her room I am on the laptop in the living room. The battery is going dead so it is goodnight and farewell for now.

God bless you all!

LF