I break for blogging

So it's lunch and God has been weighing pretty heavy on me these last few days. I have a lot on my heart and mind and felt like I needed to express myself a little. So, I'm taking this opportunity on my lunch break to blog.

I know God has filled me with purpose in order to fulfill a purpose for which he purposed me. The purposed for which he filled me with purpose I have not purposed myself toward achieving. In fact, I would have to say I have run from it. In my heart I've know that there was something... something I never could quite grasp about what God wanted me to do with my life. I couldn't grasp it likely because I distanced myself from it. But I can see clearly that God made me and shaped me to do exactly what he has called me to.

I feel some guilt for having ignored, not recognized, or just plain run from God's plan for me. At the same time I feel fear that maybe I'm wrong... after all, seems I've been wrong so far. I've already determined that I'm not using my God given talents and in fact some of what I do flies in the face of my weaknesses. But I have to remember that life is a journey and God is going to put things in my path that will develop me spiritually, emotionally, and personally. I can't say definitively that way back when I was even intended to recognize God's purpose... perhaps I was where he purposed me to be for that time... as a way to develop me and bring me to the place I need to be in order to serve his purpose.

I've said before that sometimes you just have to say "Maybe that is what it took." Well, maybe this is what it took to bring me to the point I needed to be to say "Here am I, Lord, send me." Now don't get me wrong... I'm still working on the "send me" part... because I honestly don't want to do this. But he is definitely leaning hard and pushing me towards that. All along the way before this revelation came about his has placed people, circumstances, scripture, and lessons in my life that all come in agreement with what I am hearing. And though I'm asking for clarity and hoping the message will change - perhaps I misunderstood or misinterpreted - it isn't changing. He isn't budging.

This isn't about what I want to do... this is about what glorifies Him. And I'm praying in the mean time that He will bring my heart into alignment with His will and purpose for me. Please pray in agreement with that. For now, it's time for me to get back to work.

Growing kids

I feel like I'm tending a garden here and my precious little plants have good root systems and are gaining height. It's important to properly water and ensure they have the appropriate nutrients so that their branches will be strong enough to bear the fruit of much labor and love. But I know that means that at some point as the grow and begin to blossom and those blossoms are pollinated and fruit begins to form that the fruit will be plucked and the plants must be pruned. I don't look forward to my children being plucked from me piece by piece as they begin to go out into the world more and more on their own and independent. I know I have to let go because the fruit they bear is important in someone elses life. I want them to give of themselves to others and have an effect on the world... but they are my babies and it's hard to see them grow up.

The milestones are so bittersweet. I am so very proud of each thing my children accomplish... but each thing brings them closer and closer to independence. I'm trusting the Lord to give me wisdom and discernment to know when to hold on just a little bit longer and when to let them go and do what He has called them to do and be who he has called them to be. In the mean time, the hugs will be a little bit tighter and last a bit longer... and I will enjoy each one, knowing that no matter how independent they become, how educated they get or how far away they go they will always be my children and will bear fruit representative of a legacy of love.

To quote a Nichole Nordeman song - I wanna leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things? I wanna leave an offering. A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically. And leave that kind of legacy.