I feel like I'm tending a garden here and my precious little plants have good root systems and are gaining height. It's important to properly water and ensure they have the appropriate nutrients so that their branches will be strong enough to bear the fruit of much labor and love. But I know that means that at some point as the grow and begin to blossom and those blossoms are pollinated and fruit begins to form that the fruit will be plucked and the plants must be pruned. I don't look forward to my children being plucked from me piece by piece as they begin to go out into the world more and more on their own and independent. I know I have to let go because the fruit they bear is important in someone elses life. I want them to give of themselves to others and have an effect on the world... but they are my babies and it's hard to see them grow up.
The milestones are so bittersweet. I am so very proud of each thing my children accomplish... but each thing brings them closer and closer to independence. I'm trusting the Lord to give me wisdom and discernment to know when to hold on just a little bit longer and when to let them go and do what He has called them to do and be who he has called them to be. In the mean time, the hugs will be a little bit tighter and last a bit longer... and I will enjoy each one, knowing that no matter how independent they become, how educated they get or how far away they go they will always be my children and will bear fruit representative of a legacy of love.
To quote a Nichole Nordeman song - I wanna leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things? I wanna leave an offering. A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically. And leave that kind of legacy.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, July 20, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions
Now I know what that is supposed to imply, but I mean this a bit different than the old adage here intends it. Let me explain.
I was on my way home from work today and I saw a couple of men hanging out at a busy intersection in town with signs. They were pointing them towards each car as they scooted through traffic as if to say "YOU need to read this!". I only got to read one of the signs and I have not been able to find the exact wording they used (had thees and thous in it) in any translation that I have access to but here it is from the NIV
I was on my way home from work today and I saw a couple of men hanging out at a busy intersection in town with signs. They were pointing them towards each car as they scooted through traffic as if to say "YOU need to read this!". I only got to read one of the signs and I have not been able to find the exact wording they used (had thees and thous in it) in any translation that I have access to but here it is from the NIV
Deuteronomy 7:10 (New International Version)
10 But those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction;
he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him.
I wanted to roll my window down and ask the men if they really felt that the message they were pushing was effective. I wanted to tell them that we should be sharing the love of Christ instead of resorting to fear tactics. Have they not heard that you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?
Now, I am in NO way saying that this particular verse in the Bible is untrue, unimportant, or not applicable. What I am saying is that this is not the best tactic for trying to plant seeds and bring in the lost. I'm not saying that we should compromise the Word of God to make people more comfortable. What I am saying is that we can't afford to preach condemnation of sin without first showing them God's love. What I am saying is that there is a time and place for conviction and that is the job of the Holy Spirit and not some guy on the side of the road preaching hell fire and brimstone. If we want to reach the lost they have to know that it's ok to come as they are. We must share with them that God loves them no matter what they have done. He doesn't love the sin, but he does love the sinner.
I realize these men had good intentions. I'm sure they really are sincere about wanting to see the lost to be saved and sharing the gospel. But the primary truth of the gospel IS NOT that God wants to punish, the primary truth is that God loves us so much that he sent his only begotten son to die on the cross and suffer for our sins. And I don't know a lost soul that would be drawn to finding out more about a god that someone is seeming to say wants to destroy him. The approach these men employed will only serve to alienate and/or infuriate the lost, resulting in a lost opportunity.
When I'm thinking about the lost souls that drove by there today, unfortunately, I'm picturing them continuing to drive down that road paved with the good intentions of those men trying to share God's word. And they may drive that road all the way to Hell. The saddest part is that they left out the verse preceding the verse they chose to share, and that could have changed the message and the result completely.
Deuteronomy 7:9 (New International Version)
9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Forgiveness
Once again a theme in my life. Gee... I love learning this one. :-)
I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm letting someone else speak for me tonight. I hope you don't mind terribly.
Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm letting someone else speak for me tonight. I hope you don't mind terribly.
Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Being a mom
Being a mom is...
...hearing "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner" at least three too many times per day (depending on the head count of your family) :-)
...knowing when your 3 year old points to the menu and says she wants a crabby patty she means she wants a hamburger.
...using the word "turd" in the most loving way possible... and letting your 3 year old think you said "turtle" and not turd.
...playing along with dad when he tricks your almost 9 year old boy into thinking if he eats watermelon seeds he will grow a watermelon in his stomach.
...ignoring that your 3 year old mysteriously starts coughing after asking to have a cough drop and being told she doesn't need one.
...internally debating if your 11 month old has had her eyes closed long enough for you to walk away from the crib.
...laughing hysterically when you realize why your daughter was yelling "Hey, that was the zebra" at the TV over and over as your were flipping through and she heard Chris Rock narrating his show "Everybody Hates Chris". (Chris Rock was the voice of Marty the zebra on Madagascar)
...actually liking foam flooring that goes together in puzzle peices and only comes in primary colors.
...admitting that you really do want a mini van.
...deciding its ok every now and then for your kid to have a wipe bath instead of the real thing or have cereal for dinner.
...realizing this is the last "firsts" you will ever experience with a child.
...being able to share the good, the bad, and the funny with just about anyone who feigns interest.
...feeling blessed for all the love and special moments in your life.
...hearing "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner" at least three too many times per day (depending on the head count of your family) :-)
...knowing when your 3 year old points to the menu and says she wants a crabby patty she means she wants a hamburger.
...using the word "turd" in the most loving way possible... and letting your 3 year old think you said "turtle" and not turd.
...playing along with dad when he tricks your almost 9 year old boy into thinking if he eats watermelon seeds he will grow a watermelon in his stomach.
...ignoring that your 3 year old mysteriously starts coughing after asking to have a cough drop and being told she doesn't need one.
...internally debating if your 11 month old has had her eyes closed long enough for you to walk away from the crib.
...laughing hysterically when you realize why your daughter was yelling "Hey, that was the zebra" at the TV over and over as your were flipping through and she heard Chris Rock narrating his show "Everybody Hates Chris". (Chris Rock was the voice of Marty the zebra on Madagascar)
...actually liking foam flooring that goes together in puzzle peices and only comes in primary colors.
...admitting that you really do want a mini van.
...deciding its ok every now and then for your kid to have a wipe bath instead of the real thing or have cereal for dinner.
...realizing this is the last "firsts" you will ever experience with a child.
...being able to share the good, the bad, and the funny with just about anyone who feigns interest.
...feeling blessed for all the love and special moments in your life.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
No stranger to pain
I can’t seem to sleep. Probably due to some things I have going on in my life currently. It’s regrettable that sometimes we hurt the ones we love. Even more so when the effects will likely be felt for a lifetime. So what do we do with this pain and where do we go from here? I guess those are things I will learn as I go.
I’m no stranger to hurt. I’ve been betrayed and deceived in ways that people couldn’t imagine… I have learned the art (and choice) of forgiveness well. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that each hurt, each trial, each seeming setback in my life has served a purpose. I know God has made sure of that. Sometimes you just have to look at things and say “Maybe this is what it took…” to change you, someone you love, a path you were on, or the way you view things. Whatever it is… it will lead to something better.
Right now I feel like I am walking in the wilderness. I feel lost and unsure… and I can’t see my path for all the trees and brush before me. I have doubts and unsure footing and all I know to do right now is listen to the still small voice within. I know my Lord is with me… and he can see what is before me when I can’t, so all I can do is trust Him. I can try to follow in His footsteps of selflessness and forgiveness and love to get through this mess.
The people who have hurt me may not deserve my forgiveness any more than I deserve God’s for all the wrong I’ve done in my life… but you know what? He loves me (and every other person on this earth) so much that it didn’t matter… he provided a way of salvation and forgave our sins. So, I’m choosing to do the same… out of love. It’s a process… and something to be committed to on a daily basis. I know this won’t be easy when I’m in weak moments feeling the deepest of sorrow, abandonment, and betrayal.
As deep and wide as my heart is, in the very depths I feel complete agony. I feel sorrow for what is lost and what I know will never be the same. But I move forward and press on know that the deeper the valleys I face the higher the peaks I will climb. I’m just passing through. So, I’m holding the hand of my savior and pressing on toward that mark. I’m looking forward to the growth I can expect that can only come from this kind of pain.
I know I’m not alone in this. (You said it first! :-))
I’m no stranger to hurt. I’ve been betrayed and deceived in ways that people couldn’t imagine… I have learned the art (and choice) of forgiveness well. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that each hurt, each trial, each seeming setback in my life has served a purpose. I know God has made sure of that. Sometimes you just have to look at things and say “Maybe this is what it took…” to change you, someone you love, a path you were on, or the way you view things. Whatever it is… it will lead to something better.
Right now I feel like I am walking in the wilderness. I feel lost and unsure… and I can’t see my path for all the trees and brush before me. I have doubts and unsure footing and all I know to do right now is listen to the still small voice within. I know my Lord is with me… and he can see what is before me when I can’t, so all I can do is trust Him. I can try to follow in His footsteps of selflessness and forgiveness and love to get through this mess.
The people who have hurt me may not deserve my forgiveness any more than I deserve God’s for all the wrong I’ve done in my life… but you know what? He loves me (and every other person on this earth) so much that it didn’t matter… he provided a way of salvation and forgave our sins. So, I’m choosing to do the same… out of love. It’s a process… and something to be committed to on a daily basis. I know this won’t be easy when I’m in weak moments feeling the deepest of sorrow, abandonment, and betrayal.
As deep and wide as my heart is, in the very depths I feel complete agony. I feel sorrow for what is lost and what I know will never be the same. But I move forward and press on know that the deeper the valleys I face the higher the peaks I will climb. I’m just passing through. So, I’m holding the hand of my savior and pressing on toward that mark. I’m looking forward to the growth I can expect that can only come from this kind of pain.
I know I’m not alone in this. (You said it first! :-))
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Ten good years!
It won’t be long and I will be celebrating 10 years since I graduated from highschool. It’s amazing to think how far life has come since my highschool days. It’s amazing how nothing turned out like I pictured it, yet, I wouldn’t change a thing. I absolutely love the fact that I have been able to reconnect with a lot of my friends and acquaintances from those days through sites like MySpace and Facebook… I am unashamedly a member of both. :-)
I hadn’t really thought about my 10 year reunion coming up when hubby and I decided to jump on the “Let’s get healthy” bandwagon. What I had thought about was how inspiring it was to watch lives and bodies transform last season on Biggest Loser. I’ve watched before but I don’t know why… for some reason this last season hit home for me. Maybe it was the young newly wed couple that reminded me of JD and I (although I WAS NOT a big fan of Heba), maybe it was the couple with young kids who were also over weight (I NEVER want my children to go through what I have), maybe it was just that I connected with other very heart warming and inspirations cast members. Whatever it was doesn’t matter – in the here and now I’ve been working hard to eat right and take good care of myself; which can be daunting, in the least, if not downright seeming impossible. I’m feeling around for ways of cooking and eating healthy with both time and monetary budgets in mind. So far I think we have done splendid! Well… unless you ask about exercise. We still haven’t figured out how to work that in and still get a minimum of 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep at night.
I have another doctors appointment coming up soon and I hope this time the results will show the doc that my meds need to be increased… or at least that she will listen to me and treat my symptoms rather than a lab result. My hair is still falling out like crazy and while my mind functions much better than it did before starting the levothyroxine I still have good days and bad days. My skins still stays thick and dry and my nails are weak and brittle no matter what lotion I use or how much water and vitamin E and any other “good for the skin” supplements I take. I still have days where I feel like I can’t do anything, but there is so much I want and need to get accomplished. Sometimes the simplest tasks seem like way too much trouble… and if you know me, you would know that isn’t like me.
As for everything else, I’m just trying to keep up. I suppose one of these days I‘ll get around to all the things I want to do. One of which is going back to school for my masters. All in good time. Until then, I’m going to toast to the 10 good years since stepping out into the real world.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
I hadn’t really thought about my 10 year reunion coming up when hubby and I decided to jump on the “Let’s get healthy” bandwagon. What I had thought about was how inspiring it was to watch lives and bodies transform last season on Biggest Loser. I’ve watched before but I don’t know why… for some reason this last season hit home for me. Maybe it was the young newly wed couple that reminded me of JD and I (although I WAS NOT a big fan of Heba), maybe it was the couple with young kids who were also over weight (I NEVER want my children to go through what I have), maybe it was just that I connected with other very heart warming and inspirations cast members. Whatever it was doesn’t matter – in the here and now I’ve been working hard to eat right and take good care of myself; which can be daunting, in the least, if not downright seeming impossible. I’m feeling around for ways of cooking and eating healthy with both time and monetary budgets in mind. So far I think we have done splendid! Well… unless you ask about exercise. We still haven’t figured out how to work that in and still get a minimum of 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep at night.
I have another doctors appointment coming up soon and I hope this time the results will show the doc that my meds need to be increased… or at least that she will listen to me and treat my symptoms rather than a lab result. My hair is still falling out like crazy and while my mind functions much better than it did before starting the levothyroxine I still have good days and bad days. My skins still stays thick and dry and my nails are weak and brittle no matter what lotion I use or how much water and vitamin E and any other “good for the skin” supplements I take. I still have days where I feel like I can’t do anything, but there is so much I want and need to get accomplished. Sometimes the simplest tasks seem like way too much trouble… and if you know me, you would know that isn’t like me.
As for everything else, I’m just trying to keep up. I suppose one of these days I‘ll get around to all the things I want to do. One of which is going back to school for my masters. All in good time. Until then, I’m going to toast to the 10 good years since stepping out into the real world.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The person I aspire to be
Somewhere between home life and work life exists this vague concept of my individual self. I like to picture this gal as a social butterfly; a well-spoken, strong, independent woman; a kind hearted caregiver to those in need; an organized and crafty scrapbooker; and a talented potter and painter of pottery. Granted, I fail to live up to these lofty visions, but they are things I continue to aspire to. Unfortunately, home life often gets in the way of actualization of this individual self I speak of. But, who am I kidding anyway? What would my life be without my loving husband and children? What would I have to scrapbook about? What experience and knowledge would I offer to those in need? What would I offer in conversation with those I would socialize with? It’s funny how the very things that make your life richer and allow you to offer more to the world can sometimes be the very things that hold you back from doing so.
As with all things, I am learning that life is cyclic. There are times when you will contribute heavily to the world around you and to the support of your social network. At other times you will need to lean hard on the support system that has been so delicately placed beneath you over time. Right now I’m in a phase between the two. I’ve felt selfish and self-absorbed for a while… feeling like I’ve folded up within my own little world and worried about no one but me and my little family. I’ve had so much to focus on in my own life that I’ve been unable to help those around me. I’ve wanted to help people around me… but it seemed I just never could manage it. Slowly, I’m trying to pull out of that. I’m hoping that somewhere along the way not only will I find the time to care for others but also to do all the other things I aspire to do.
As with all things, I am learning that life is cyclic. There are times when you will contribute heavily to the world around you and to the support of your social network. At other times you will need to lean hard on the support system that has been so delicately placed beneath you over time. Right now I’m in a phase between the two. I’ve felt selfish and self-absorbed for a while… feeling like I’ve folded up within my own little world and worried about no one but me and my little family. I’ve had so much to focus on in my own life that I’ve been unable to help those around me. I’ve wanted to help people around me… but it seemed I just never could manage it. Slowly, I’m trying to pull out of that. I’m hoping that somewhere along the way not only will I find the time to care for others but also to do all the other things I aspire to do.
Friday, January 16, 2009
This is the new me
OK, so not literally the new ME... but this is the new place that expresses ME... where you can get to know me.
I've been thinking for a while now about switching over from my Myspace blog to a blogging website and finally got the push I needed. My WONDERFUL brother (well, in-law anyway, but neither of us really think of it that way) has decided to get rid of Myspace in all it's insanity, drama, and underaged postings of half nakedness. I myself hold onto it only as a means of connecting with those far, far away since my migration to the southernmost parts of Georgia. I fully intend to keep my Myspace alive and well, but you probably won't see any new blogs there other than to note that you can view my blog here. But, I digress. He enjoys reading my blog, so for that reason I finally decided to bite the bullet and make a move.
[BTW, C, you are very welcome for the shout out and for moving this thing so you don't have to hold on to yet another account just to read my silly ramblings. Now I just need to come up with a better call sign for you than just C :-)]
I won't dally any longer as break time is up. But expect more to come. I'm hoping there is a means to post or import my backlog of blogs from Myspace here, as I'm kind of fond of my past musings. If anyone has any info on how to go about that, give me a shout.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
I've been thinking for a while now about switching over from my Myspace blog to a blogging website and finally got the push I needed. My WONDERFUL brother (well, in-law anyway, but neither of us really think of it that way) has decided to get rid of Myspace in all it's insanity, drama, and underaged postings of half nakedness. I myself hold onto it only as a means of connecting with those far, far away since my migration to the southernmost parts of Georgia. I fully intend to keep my Myspace alive and well, but you probably won't see any new blogs there other than to note that you can view my blog here. But, I digress. He enjoys reading my blog, so for that reason I finally decided to bite the bullet and make a move.
[BTW, C, you are very welcome for the shout out and for moving this thing so you don't have to hold on to yet another account just to read my silly ramblings. Now I just need to come up with a better call sign for you than just C :-)]
I won't dally any longer as break time is up. But expect more to come. I'm hoping there is a means to post or import my backlog of blogs from Myspace here, as I'm kind of fond of my past musings. If anyone has any info on how to go about that, give me a shout.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
Friday, October 24, 2008
Am I that niave?
Is everyone out there really so mean and quick to judge and gossip? I can't stand the fact that people will not have a clue what it's like to be in someone's shoes and dare to pass judgement on them. Open your eyes people... there are people suffering and hurting in ways you refuse to understand because you would rather blindly judge them and feel superior to them than try to understand and lend a helping hand.
If they don't open thier eyes: People who have access to better healthcare and coverage will never understand the plight of those who don't. People who have money and/or a wide support system... or no need for a support system... will never understand how desperate the lives are of those who have to depend on others to help them out in daily living, or who can't make ends meet but don't have a choice in going elsewhere where they can find a better job/better pay/better situation because they need thier support system. People who don't suffer with a debilitating disease, illness, or condition will never come to see that those who do don't WANT to be the way they are... and can only be as good as the treatment they are provided and/or can afford.
There are so many other things to talk about... but the fact is that when you judge and gossip about them, you usually don't know the whole story. That person could be wrapped up in a world of hurt and circumstances working against them. Wouldn't you feel bad if you found out the person you laughed at daily at work and talked behind thier back had circumstances that would account for every thing you judge about them and attributed to some character flaw?There is so much wrong with the world and the way people behave towards one-another. Am I fighting a losing battle? Someone, please tell me that I'm not the only one thinking that we should be kind towards one-another and try to understand someone rather than judge them.
Come on people, give me some hope for humanity.
If they don't open thier eyes: People who have access to better healthcare and coverage will never understand the plight of those who don't. People who have money and/or a wide support system... or no need for a support system... will never understand how desperate the lives are of those who have to depend on others to help them out in daily living, or who can't make ends meet but don't have a choice in going elsewhere where they can find a better job/better pay/better situation because they need thier support system. People who don't suffer with a debilitating disease, illness, or condition will never come to see that those who do don't WANT to be the way they are... and can only be as good as the treatment they are provided and/or can afford.
There are so many other things to talk about... but the fact is that when you judge and gossip about them, you usually don't know the whole story. That person could be wrapped up in a world of hurt and circumstances working against them. Wouldn't you feel bad if you found out the person you laughed at daily at work and talked behind thier back had circumstances that would account for every thing you judge about them and attributed to some character flaw?There is so much wrong with the world and the way people behave towards one-another. Am I fighting a losing battle? Someone, please tell me that I'm not the only one thinking that we should be kind towards one-another and try to understand someone rather than judge them.
Come on people, give me some hope for humanity.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Bless those who speak against me, Lord.
I want to feel hurt and I want justice when someone says things against me. Human nature as it is (and women as they are) this is usually behind your back - and often hard to get to the root of. It's especially tough for someone who has keen perception - like me - or maybe the Lord has given me the ability to percieve certain things for my own protection. In any case, there is little you can do about it other than give it over to the Lord. I'm learning that lesson more and more as I live and breath (and work).
Have you ever almost just felt sorry for the people who act one way to your face and another behind your back? I **almost** feel that way... it's hard. I'm asking the Lord to change my heart and make it sympathetic rather than revengeful. The best way to accomplish that is by praying blessings upon them. Am I then being just as phony as the person who backstabs? I don't think so. The Bible clearly states that in our heart is foolishness (evil) and that our hearts will decieve us... we can't be lead by our hearts and how we **feel** about something... we have to lead our hearts. We can do that by praying and obeying.
Lord help me to continue this path - because right now I'd much rather give someone a piece of my mind than pray for them.
Have you ever almost just felt sorry for the people who act one way to your face and another behind your back? I **almost** feel that way... it's hard. I'm asking the Lord to change my heart and make it sympathetic rather than revengeful. The best way to accomplish that is by praying blessings upon them. Am I then being just as phony as the person who backstabs? I don't think so. The Bible clearly states that in our heart is foolishness (evil) and that our hearts will decieve us... we can't be lead by our hearts and how we **feel** about something... we have to lead our hearts. We can do that by praying and obeying.
Lord help me to continue this path - because right now I'd much rather give someone a piece of my mind than pray for them.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
So here's the scoop
Some know and some don't so I'll just put everything here for you all to read if you so desire.
What most don't know:I've been struggling for a while now with various issues such as hair falling out, extremely dry skin, weight gain (despite a good diet and decent activity), fatigue, depression and anxiety (we had attributed this to PPD until now), difficulty concentrating and remembering things (I would forget names or words that I know, things I've done, or think I've done something I haven't), the list goes on and on.
What some know:I went to the doctor Monday and had all kinds of tests run. I got the results back yesterday and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. It's an autoimmune disorder that effects the thyroid. So, I am hypothyroid. This disorder causes all kinds of nasty effect which explains all of my issues.
Why I'm thankful: Frankly, it could be worse. Thankfully, this is something that is easily controlled with medication. Once we get the dosage right (which will probably take months of trial and error) I'll be set and re-test every year. It is something I will have to take for the rest of my life and the dosage may increase in later years. I'm quite relieved to know that there is a reason to all the madness. I've been going through some very difficult times lately because of it and I praise the Lord for the medical technology that helps so many people like me. I'm thankful that I will have a chance to minister to other people who are going through the same thing... to provide encouragement and advice. I'm thankful that I can share with people who may not understand... people who may judge others in my position. Believe me... I know the eye rolls you get when you are over-weight and claim that you are doing everything "right"... and the crazy looks when you can't come up with a word, a name, or recall something simple. Most of all, I'm thankful for all of my friends and family whom I know have and always will support me and love me no matter what. You all have made a difference in my life, whether you know it or not.
Mrs JD
What most don't know:I've been struggling for a while now with various issues such as hair falling out, extremely dry skin, weight gain (despite a good diet and decent activity), fatigue, depression and anxiety (we had attributed this to PPD until now), difficulty concentrating and remembering things (I would forget names or words that I know, things I've done, or think I've done something I haven't), the list goes on and on.
What some know:I went to the doctor Monday and had all kinds of tests run. I got the results back yesterday and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. It's an autoimmune disorder that effects the thyroid. So, I am hypothyroid. This disorder causes all kinds of nasty effect which explains all of my issues.
Why I'm thankful: Frankly, it could be worse. Thankfully, this is something that is easily controlled with medication. Once we get the dosage right (which will probably take months of trial and error) I'll be set and re-test every year. It is something I will have to take for the rest of my life and the dosage may increase in later years. I'm quite relieved to know that there is a reason to all the madness. I've been going through some very difficult times lately because of it and I praise the Lord for the medical technology that helps so many people like me. I'm thankful that I will have a chance to minister to other people who are going through the same thing... to provide encouragement and advice. I'm thankful that I can share with people who may not understand... people who may judge others in my position. Believe me... I know the eye rolls you get when you are over-weight and claim that you are doing everything "right"... and the crazy looks when you can't come up with a word, a name, or recall something simple. Most of all, I'm thankful for all of my friends and family whom I know have and always will support me and love me no matter what. You all have made a difference in my life, whether you know it or not.
Mrs JD
Monday, September 8, 2008
The Mom Factor - she'll always be better than me
There is this thing I'm going to label the Mom factor. It's the pressure you feel to live up to the standards that you grew up with. Liekly standards that your Mom set up. This encompases things such as eating, grooming, and housekeeping habits, culture and time management habits, organization, discipline (of self and children). This factor is MUCH more discernable to female offspring than to males. This factor will drive you crazy, make you feel inadequate, cause you to become unreasonably defensive, and otherwise wreak havock on your self-esteem and cause you to question your abilities.
THIS FACTOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!
My Mom is not to blame for me feeling this way. Not that there aren't times that she says or does things that do make me feel this way... but her intent is not to belittle me... in fact she goes out of her way to try not to offend me.
To my mom I say:
I'm sorry you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep from offending me. BUT, take it as a compliment because I think the reason I get so defensive is because I feel like I could never do things as good as you do - and I can't stand that fact. I feel all this pressure to live up to standards that just aren't do able for me.
It's wierd, to be such a smart cookie sometimes I feel so totally inadequate and hopeless. I wonder if I am really as smart, strong, hard working and good as I think I am.
My point is - I think a lot of women feel this way. With all the pressures of motherhood, being a full time employee, having a house and a husband to care for, and trying to at least get a shower every few days it's easy to get lost in all the things you can't get done instead of seeing all the things you did accomplish. So, I need to start patting myself on the back more for what I do. And I need to quit taking out my own self-doubt on my mother. Mom's of grown children get a bad wrap... some deserve it, but I'd say not most... I think it's our overachiever competitive natures that get the better of us... and our pride... and not our Mom's.
You are the best Mom... and no, I won't ever be as good as you (unless you are trying to do anything with something electronic).
THIS FACTOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!
My Mom is not to blame for me feeling this way. Not that there aren't times that she says or does things that do make me feel this way... but her intent is not to belittle me... in fact she goes out of her way to try not to offend me.
To my mom I say:
I'm sorry you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep from offending me. BUT, take it as a compliment because I think the reason I get so defensive is because I feel like I could never do things as good as you do - and I can't stand that fact. I feel all this pressure to live up to standards that just aren't do able for me.
It's wierd, to be such a smart cookie sometimes I feel so totally inadequate and hopeless. I wonder if I am really as smart, strong, hard working and good as I think I am.
My point is - I think a lot of women feel this way. With all the pressures of motherhood, being a full time employee, having a house and a husband to care for, and trying to at least get a shower every few days it's easy to get lost in all the things you can't get done instead of seeing all the things you did accomplish. So, I need to start patting myself on the back more for what I do. And I need to quit taking out my own self-doubt on my mother. Mom's of grown children get a bad wrap... some deserve it, but I'd say not most... I think it's our overachiever competitive natures that get the better of us... and our pride... and not our Mom's.
You are the best Mom... and no, I won't ever be as good as you (unless you are trying to do anything with something electronic).
Monday, September 1, 2008
Feel like sayin' sumthin
So I have no specific topic or intention in mind with this blog... I just felt like writing. Right now I'm sitting here with my beautiful 3 year old daughter... she is watching Dora and right now is sitting on the arm of the chair because she has to be this (-->x<--) close to me. Which is fine... Ry is sleeping so I've been able to get in some good one on one time with my KK.
Ya know, it's amazing having more than one kid... its like you think you could never love another child as much as you love your first, but then another comes along and it totally amazes you. There is no way I could ever choose between the two... I love them both the most. And although Mr. T isn't even blood I couldn't possibly love him any more. The human capacity to love goes far beyond what you can imagine... if you just open your heart to it.
So today we are going to Dad's... KK calls it "water day" because Papa D has a pool. I love going over there and getting in the pool with the kids. I can't wait to take KK to swim lessons... I haven't called about it yet though, and I really need to.
Well, I hear Ry so times up. Let me go get hubby and Ry and and then KK and I are going to play some games on the computer and then get ready to go to Dad's.
See ya'll later! Have a good holiday... back to work tomorrow. uuuggghhhh!
Ya know, it's amazing having more than one kid... its like you think you could never love another child as much as you love your first, but then another comes along and it totally amazes you. There is no way I could ever choose between the two... I love them both the most. And although Mr. T isn't even blood I couldn't possibly love him any more. The human capacity to love goes far beyond what you can imagine... if you just open your heart to it.
So today we are going to Dad's... KK calls it "water day" because Papa D has a pool. I love going over there and getting in the pool with the kids. I can't wait to take KK to swim lessons... I haven't called about it yet though, and I really need to.
Well, I hear Ry so times up. Let me go get hubby and Ry and and then KK and I are going to play some games on the computer and then get ready to go to Dad's.
See ya'll later! Have a good holiday... back to work tomorrow. uuuggghhhh!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Confessions of a working mother
I'm a writer at heart. I only wish I had more time to devote to this passion of mine. But, as it is, most days my mind is so overgrown with the daily to-do's and just keeping the status-quo of life that I just can't find the energy to put pen to paper much less find a quiet spot in my head to even contemplate a topic of interest. Counting poops and pees, measuring ounces of breastmilk as if they were liquid gold, endless searches for engineers to fill an impossible job description, and listening to the repetitive clamor flowing from my 3 year olds mouth is what fills my days. With a tiny 975 square ft of living space and 3 kids, we struggle with keeping the house minimally filthy. It seems the laundry piles are never ending and the trash is constantly over-flowing. It's a wonder my husband and I even have our sanity. In the quiet moments when we've "hatched a plan" to have some husband-wife time and it actually works out we try to savor every moment. Meanwhile, I have delusions of grandeur rotting in my brain while my talent for words wastes away. Such is the life of the average working mom… to much to do to tend to personal quests of self-fulfillment. But, parenting does require a degree of selflessness and sacrifice. So, I've resigned to the fact that I will probably be in a nursing home suffering from dementia before I'll ever have the time to devote to this hobby of mine, and by then it will be a moot point because I won't have any recollection of all the cute things I've always wanted to put on paper.
This is the daily dialogue in my head. There isn't possibly enough time to do all the things one would want to accomplish. I spend more time doing things I don't want to do so I've have the money to do things I have to do and then have nothing left to do the things I enjoy doing. Is that any way to live life? But, this is the reality of most American families these days. Life in the fast lane… we live longer, work harder, make more money, and enjoy life less. Pity.
This is the daily dialogue in my head. There isn't possibly enough time to do all the things one would want to accomplish. I spend more time doing things I don't want to do so I've have the money to do things I have to do and then have nothing left to do the things I enjoy doing. Is that any way to live life? But, this is the reality of most American families these days. Life in the fast lane… we live longer, work harder, make more money, and enjoy life less. Pity.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Take your own advice
Have you ever given someone advice and as you are giving it you get smacked in the face with it? Sometime we need to take our own advice. Thank you Lord for helping me to see that beam in my eye while trying to help someone else get a speck out of thiers!
Here's the advice - take it for what its worth in any given situation you may have going on. I hope the Lord speaks to you in it.
When you get to the other side – whatever the outcome may be – you will certainly be able to see God's hand in everything and know that all along he was guiding you, controlling everything, protecting you, and doing what was best for His child. That doesn't help much now but just know that no matter the outcome you will have reassurance and comfort knowing its best and it is God's timing – because let me tell you, if we had control over timing of everything we would screw so much up! But I know you know that. :-)
Just make sure you are reaching out in the right place – because God and your faith are right where you left them… sometimes its doors that we choose to go through and close behind us that close us off to our faith and our connection to God. I've been there. Traps that we tend to fall into and have back track to get out of. My trap is commitment and time… I get so far away from Him before I even know it because I stay so busy. Before I know it He's 3 days away through several doors of frustration from work and hurt from other individuals. If I had stuck with Him I would have been able to get through those things the right way instead of taking the grim path… know what I mean? I'm not saying any of that applies to you – that is just my experience as an example. All I'm saying is God is in all this somewhere… but it's a daily thing to keep Him with you... you have to be purposeful about it because He can't go anywhere you won't take Him. He can't handle anything you won't hand over to Him.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
Here's the advice - take it for what its worth in any given situation you may have going on. I hope the Lord speaks to you in it.
When you get to the other side – whatever the outcome may be – you will certainly be able to see God's hand in everything and know that all along he was guiding you, controlling everything, protecting you, and doing what was best for His child. That doesn't help much now but just know that no matter the outcome you will have reassurance and comfort knowing its best and it is God's timing – because let me tell you, if we had control over timing of everything we would screw so much up! But I know you know that. :-)
Just make sure you are reaching out in the right place – because God and your faith are right where you left them… sometimes its doors that we choose to go through and close behind us that close us off to our faith and our connection to God. I've been there. Traps that we tend to fall into and have back track to get out of. My trap is commitment and time… I get so far away from Him before I even know it because I stay so busy. Before I know it He's 3 days away through several doors of frustration from work and hurt from other individuals. If I had stuck with Him I would have been able to get through those things the right way instead of taking the grim path… know what I mean? I'm not saying any of that applies to you – that is just my experience as an example. All I'm saying is God is in all this somewhere… but it's a daily thing to keep Him with you... you have to be purposeful about it because He can't go anywhere you won't take Him. He can't handle anything you won't hand over to Him.
Blessings,
Mrs JD
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
"I big girl! I big sisser!"
The time is getting closer (just 5 more weeks) and there is more and more buzz in the house about Ry's impending entrance into the Dorough family. KK's latest announcement any chance she gets: "I big girl! I big sisser!" Everyone finds this extremely endearing. I wonder how endearing it will be when she starts announcing where Ry came from... thank heaven I'm having a C-Section! The maternity coordinator at the hospital yesterday told me how her child announces all the time that her mommy pushed her baby sister out of her hiney. Out of the mouths of babes!!!
Over the weekend John put together the bassinet and we now have it settled in our room. KK was quite excited by the site of all the little parts and peices on the floor as Daddy put it together. She looks, examining each part carefully and then comes to me and says "Dat mine? Dat all mine?!" While waving her hand over the pile of parts in the floor. I giggled and said "No, honey, that's Ry's bed. Daddy is putting it together so she will have a place to sleep when she is born." Her eyes light up (apparently the thought of a new sister is even better than the thought of a new toy) and she says "Oh, dats Ryyeee's bed?". "Yes, honey, that's Ry's bed."
Thing go back to business as usual and she did get to see the final product before going to bed. She pops up the next morning and her first question is "Where Ryyeee's bed?" I explained that it was in our room where she would sleep until she is ready for a crib. I reminded her of when she was in a crib and she went on to have some extended conversation about that that I didn't particularly understand. :-)
The day goes on, she goes to school and I to work. When I pick her up and get home she tells me she is going to go play while I'm in the kitchen making dinner. I hear her holler "Turn on yites" (lights for those who don't speak KKese). I tell her she's a big girl she can turn on the lights. A minute later I hear "Mommy! I see Ryyeee?" I walk back there and see her standing in front of Ry's bassinet in my room (she was asking if she could turn on my light in my room, not hers, lol). She has this excited grin and she says again "I see Ryyeee?!"
Needless to say, it made me laugh, but I managed to explain that Ry is still growing in mommy's belly and it will still be a little while before she is born and will sleep in her bed. She is terribly excited about seeing her baby sister.
KK still insisted on checking Ry's bed out again last night... I guess she just wants to make sure everything is still in place for the arrrival of her sister. Afterall, she is "big sisser" and has to look out for the little one. Sheesh I love that little girl!
Over the weekend John put together the bassinet and we now have it settled in our room. KK was quite excited by the site of all the little parts and peices on the floor as Daddy put it together. She looks, examining each part carefully and then comes to me and says "Dat mine? Dat all mine?!" While waving her hand over the pile of parts in the floor. I giggled and said "No, honey, that's Ry's bed. Daddy is putting it together so she will have a place to sleep when she is born." Her eyes light up (apparently the thought of a new sister is even better than the thought of a new toy) and she says "Oh, dats Ryyeee's bed?". "Yes, honey, that's Ry's bed."
Thing go back to business as usual and she did get to see the final product before going to bed. She pops up the next morning and her first question is "Where Ryyeee's bed?" I explained that it was in our room where she would sleep until she is ready for a crib. I reminded her of when she was in a crib and she went on to have some extended conversation about that that I didn't particularly understand. :-)
The day goes on, she goes to school and I to work. When I pick her up and get home she tells me she is going to go play while I'm in the kitchen making dinner. I hear her holler "Turn on yites" (lights for those who don't speak KKese). I tell her she's a big girl she can turn on the lights. A minute later I hear "Mommy! I see Ryyeee?" I walk back there and see her standing in front of Ry's bassinet in my room (she was asking if she could turn on my light in my room, not hers, lol). She has this excited grin and she says again "I see Ryyeee?!"
Needless to say, it made me laugh, but I managed to explain that Ry is still growing in mommy's belly and it will still be a little while before she is born and will sleep in her bed. She is terribly excited about seeing her baby sister.
KK still insisted on checking Ry's bed out again last night... I guess she just wants to make sure everything is still in place for the arrrival of her sister. Afterall, she is "big sisser" and has to look out for the little one. Sheesh I love that little girl!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I'm not sure why I bother...
... trying to be friendly with people who are known gossips and backbiters. I keep telling myself to just keep my mouth shut and don't engage in personal conversations with these people... but I can't help myself! I'm just the kind of person that is friendly and wants to converse. I could slap myself for constantly walking right into this void because I know how much it confuses and hurts me to find out people are taking a conversation among "friends" and using it to demonstrate thier own insecurity by blabbing (and often misrepresenting fact) to people who were NOT involved in the conversation.
From now on when someone that is not family or a close personal friend asks me about my personal life, my pregnancy, my family, or anything unrelated to the business at hand I'm determined to politely change the subject...
From now on when someone that is not family or a close personal friend asks me about my personal life, my pregnancy, my family, or anything unrelated to the business at hand I'm determined to politely change the subject...
Thursday, December 13, 2007
To feel this way
((This is a blog I didn't publicly publish at the time. Looking back, I think it's good writing and decided to share the raw feelings that bubbled up at that time.))
I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.
This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.
There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.
The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?
Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.
I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.
This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.
There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.
The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?
Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
What I'll never understand
Well, the holidays are here and it's that time of year where everyone (well, ok, not everyone) is feeling merry. I tire of the cold weather quickly (especially when I see the heating bill) but there is something about the cool crisp air when it first starts to come around... it seems so invigorating. This year will be so different for my family now that JDand I are married. This time last year we were dating... and I had no idea he intended to propose so soon. How's that for perspective?
Everything is bustling and things are really coming together at my house. With Mom and Capelli combining households with Granny I have inherited a lot of cool stuff... which of course we have to make room for in this tiny 2 bedroom house. With things so crazy on that front I haven't been able to put up the Christmas tree or any decor yet... but we are going to try to start on that this evening. I hate being limited o what I can do... if it weren't for being prego I'd get up in the attic and get the tree down myself!!! I wentand bought 4 new stockings yesterday that I plan to dazzle up a little. I don't know how yet and I have NO idea where we will hang them - but those are just minor details. :-)
With all the holiday spirit it still amazes me that people find the time to be so self centered and shallow. That is something that no matter the time of year I will never understand. I recently saw the movie "Mean Girls" for the first time... I cracked up at a particular scene about the leader of the mean girl group because it totally pegged some people I know. And I have to wonder why they would want to live such a miserable existence. Wouldn't you rather surround yourself with people you can truly trust and rely on and have healthy thriving relationships as opposed to always wondering where you stand with someone, what they are saying behind your back, what you have to do next to get some attention, and desperately trying to make yourself feel better by making others look/feel bad? What is the attraction in that?
But for me I have to say... I just can't worry about others so much. People are going to choose thier paths, and I may never understand it, I may not like it, and some times I may even be hurt by it. But I'll continue to move on and live in happiness and love - the only way I know how.
I pray that you find happiness and love - and harmony - during this Christmas Season. And take more than just a moment to remember what it is all about - the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
My Best to All!!!
Mrs JD
Everything is bustling and things are really coming together at my house. With Mom and Capelli combining households with Granny I have inherited a lot of cool stuff... which of course we have to make room for in this tiny 2 bedroom house. With things so crazy on that front I haven't been able to put up the Christmas tree or any decor yet... but we are going to try to start on that this evening. I hate being limited o what I can do... if it weren't for being prego I'd get up in the attic and get the tree down myself!!! I wentand bought 4 new stockings yesterday that I plan to dazzle up a little. I don't know how yet and I have NO idea where we will hang them - but those are just minor details. :-)
With all the holiday spirit it still amazes me that people find the time to be so self centered and shallow. That is something that no matter the time of year I will never understand. I recently saw the movie "Mean Girls" for the first time... I cracked up at a particular scene about the leader of the mean girl group because it totally pegged some people I know. And I have to wonder why they would want to live such a miserable existence. Wouldn't you rather surround yourself with people you can truly trust and rely on and have healthy thriving relationships as opposed to always wondering where you stand with someone, what they are saying behind your back, what you have to do next to get some attention, and desperately trying to make yourself feel better by making others look/feel bad? What is the attraction in that?
But for me I have to say... I just can't worry about others so much. People are going to choose thier paths, and I may never understand it, I may not like it, and some times I may even be hurt by it. But I'll continue to move on and live in happiness and love - the only way I know how.
I pray that you find happiness and love - and harmony - during this Christmas Season. And take more than just a moment to remember what it is all about - the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
My Best to All!!!
Mrs JD
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thank God for my parents!
I had an epiphany. Seriously, I was thinking about the choices I have made and where I am now because of them. Without the guidance, love and support of my parents growing up I would not be the woman of strength that I am today.
There are many decisions that I could have made differently that probably would have put me in a place where I wouldn't want to be. But I had confidence enough in myself to know what I did and didn't need and what I would and wouldn't accept for myself and what I was capable of doing on my own.
So, thanks Mom and Dad and Capelli for all that you have done to guide me, strengthen me, encourage me, and for the occassional kick in the pants. :-) Without that I would not be marrying the love of my life in 37 days. I would not be the successful career woman that I am. I would not be the loving and strong mom that I am. But above all, I would not be the Child of God that I am.
Thank you Lord for all the support you have place in my path. Lord bless them, keep them, and draw them closer to you each day.
AMEN!!!
There are many decisions that I could have made differently that probably would have put me in a place where I wouldn't want to be. But I had confidence enough in myself to know what I did and didn't need and what I would and wouldn't accept for myself and what I was capable of doing on my own.
So, thanks Mom and Dad and Capelli for all that you have done to guide me, strengthen me, encourage me, and for the occassional kick in the pants. :-) Without that I would not be marrying the love of my life in 37 days. I would not be the successful career woman that I am. I would not be the loving and strong mom that I am. But above all, I would not be the Child of God that I am.
Thank you Lord for all the support you have place in my path. Lord bless them, keep them, and draw them closer to you each day.
AMEN!!!
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