((This is a blog I didn't publicly publish at the time. Looking back, I think it's good writing and decided to share the raw feelings that bubbled up at that time.))
I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.
This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.
There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.
The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?
Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.
Showing posts with label loss of loved ones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss of loved ones. Show all posts
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Loss
Experiencing the loss of a loved on is a very personal and individual matter. In all my 26 years I have learned that each person grieves in thier own way. Some quietly, some not so quietly. But everyone needs thier time to grieve the loss of someone they've loved so much for so many years. Some grieve very privately and in the face of things are the strong rock that others need in order to get through. Some grieve very openly and need to lean hard on those around for comfort. The greatest thing I've seen is how a family pulls together to comfort and protect eachother in such a time of loss.
My Granddaddy passed away yesterday. It was a very hard loss for me but also very welcomed. It's hard to feel such relief and grief all at the same time. But I'm so thankful to have had him in my life for 26 years and even more thankful that he is no longer suffering and is in Heaven with our Lord. To know the depth of his love was the greatest gift ever... to be moved by his words in his last days was a comfort. You see, each Grandchild held a special place in Granddaddy's heart - and we all felt very close to him and very special in our own right. We each have a story to tell about the Granddaddy that we knew and loved.
For me, being the first Granddaughter, I was a little princess - doted over and very well taken care of. Granddaddy told the story many times over the years, and in his last days as well, of how he promised my Mom when she was pregnant with me a new air conditioning unit if she had a girl. We got the air conditioning unit and it was installed before I even came home from the hospital.
I will miss Granddaddy and his white haired wisdom. I'll think fondly and often about how he used to "beard" us. I'll forever be grateful that he left this earth knowing that I'm well taken care of by my husband - and he didn't have to ask anymore "Are you married yet?" I've been hearing that since my teen years! I'll say my daughter-to-be's name and think of him and the legacy that he has left for her to live up to. So many things to cherish that he left us all with. For now for every smile on my face there is a tear in my eye as I ponder the change in my life now that he is gone. Time will pass and seasons will change - and he will always be missed - but as my heart heals I'll be able to smile and have tears of joy rather than sadness whenever I think of Granddaddy.
My Granddaddy passed away yesterday. It was a very hard loss for me but also very welcomed. It's hard to feel such relief and grief all at the same time. But I'm so thankful to have had him in my life for 26 years and even more thankful that he is no longer suffering and is in Heaven with our Lord. To know the depth of his love was the greatest gift ever... to be moved by his words in his last days was a comfort. You see, each Grandchild held a special place in Granddaddy's heart - and we all felt very close to him and very special in our own right. We each have a story to tell about the Granddaddy that we knew and loved.
For me, being the first Granddaughter, I was a little princess - doted over and very well taken care of. Granddaddy told the story many times over the years, and in his last days as well, of how he promised my Mom when she was pregnant with me a new air conditioning unit if she had a girl. We got the air conditioning unit and it was installed before I even came home from the hospital.
I will miss Granddaddy and his white haired wisdom. I'll think fondly and often about how he used to "beard" us. I'll forever be grateful that he left this earth knowing that I'm well taken care of by my husband - and he didn't have to ask anymore "Are you married yet?" I've been hearing that since my teen years! I'll say my daughter-to-be's name and think of him and the legacy that he has left for her to live up to. So many things to cherish that he left us all with. For now for every smile on my face there is a tear in my eye as I ponder the change in my life now that he is gone. Time will pass and seasons will change - and he will always be missed - but as my heart heals I'll be able to smile and have tears of joy rather than sadness whenever I think of Granddaddy.
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