To feel this way

((This is a blog I didn't publicly publish at the time. Looking back, I think it's good writing and decided to share the raw feelings that bubbled up at that time.))

I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.

This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.

There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.

The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?

Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.

What I'll never understand

Well, the holidays are here and it's that time of year where everyone (well, ok, not everyone) is feeling merry. I tire of the cold weather quickly (especially when I see the heating bill) but there is something about the cool crisp air when it first starts to come around... it seems so invigorating. This year will be so different for my family now that JDand I are married. This time last year we were dating... and I had no idea he intended to propose so soon. How's that for perspective?

Everything is bustling and things are really coming together at my house. With Mom and Capelli combining households with Granny I have inherited a lot of cool stuff... which of course we have to make room for in this tiny 2 bedroom house. With things so crazy on that front I haven't been able to put up the Christmas tree or any decor yet... but we are going to try to start on that this evening. I hate being limited o what I can do... if it weren't for being prego I'd get up in the attic and get the tree down myself!!! I wentand bought 4 new stockings yesterday that I plan to dazzle up a little. I don't know how yet and I have NO idea where we will hang them - but those are just minor details. :-)

With all the holiday spirit it still amazes me that people find the time to be so self centered and shallow. That is something that no matter the time of year I will never understand. I recently saw the movie "Mean Girls" for the first time... I cracked up at a particular scene about the leader of the mean girl group because it totally pegged some people I know. And I have to wonder why they would want to live such a miserable existence. Wouldn't you rather surround yourself with people you can truly trust and rely on and have healthy thriving relationships as opposed to always wondering where you stand with someone, what they are saying behind your back, what you have to do next to get some attention, and desperately trying to make yourself feel better by making others look/feel bad? What is the attraction in that?

But for me I have to say... I just can't worry about others so much. People are going to choose thier paths, and I may never understand it, I may not like it, and some times I may even be hurt by it. But I'll continue to move on and live in happiness and love - the only way I know how.
I pray that you find happiness and love - and harmony - during this Christmas Season. And take more than just a moment to remember what it is all about - the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

My Best to All!!!

Mrs JD

Loss

Experiencing the loss of a loved on is a very personal and individual matter. In all my 26 years I have learned that each person grieves in thier own way. Some quietly, some not so quietly. But everyone needs thier time to grieve the loss of someone they've loved so much for so many years. Some grieve very privately and in the face of things are the strong rock that others need in order to get through. Some grieve very openly and need to lean hard on those around for comfort. The greatest thing I've seen is how a family pulls together to comfort and protect eachother in such a time of loss.

My Granddaddy passed away yesterday. It was a very hard loss for me but also very welcomed. It's hard to feel such relief and grief all at the same time. But I'm so thankful to have had him in my life for 26 years and even more thankful that he is no longer suffering and is in Heaven with our Lord. To know the depth of his love was the greatest gift ever... to be moved by his words in his last days was a comfort. You see, each Grandchild held a special place in Granddaddy's heart - and we all felt very close to him and very special in our own right. We each have a story to tell about the Granddaddy that we knew and loved.

For me, being the first Granddaughter, I was a little princess - doted over and very well taken care of. Granddaddy told the story many times over the years, and in his last days as well, of how he promised my Mom when she was pregnant with me a new air conditioning unit if she had a girl. We got the air conditioning unit and it was installed before I even came home from the hospital.

I will miss Granddaddy and his white haired wisdom. I'll think fondly and often about how he used to "beard" us. I'll forever be grateful that he left this earth knowing that I'm well taken care of by my husband - and he didn't have to ask anymore "Are you married yet?" I've been hearing that since my teen years! I'll say my daughter-to-be's name and think of him and the legacy that he has left for her to live up to. So many things to cherish that he left us all with. For now for every smile on my face there is a tear in my eye as I ponder the change in my life now that he is gone. Time will pass and seasons will change - and he will always be missed - but as my heart heals I'll be able to smile and have tears of joy rather than sadness whenever I think of Granddaddy.

Thank God for my parents!

I had an epiphany. Seriously, I was thinking about the choices I have made and where I am now because of them. Without the guidance, love and support of my parents growing up I would not be the woman of strength that I am today.

There are many decisions that I could have made differently that probably would have put me in a place where I wouldn't want to be. But I had confidence enough in myself to know what I did and didn't need and what I would and wouldn't accept for myself and what I was capable of doing on my own.

So, thanks Mom and Dad and Capelli for all that you have done to guide me, strengthen me, encourage me, and for the occassional kick in the pants. :-) Without that I would not be marrying the love of my life in 37 days. I would not be the successful career woman that I am. I would not be the loving and strong mom that I am. But above all, I would not be the Child of God that I am.

Thank you Lord for all the support you have place in my path. Lord bless them, keep them, and draw them closer to you each day.

AMEN!!!

Pet Peeves

Know what really bothers me?

1. Big mouths and gossips who love to talk about other people's business
2. Keeping up with the Joneses
3. Prissy pots who love to talk about everyone else's fashion faux pas
4. People who "tolerate" kids but have that total look of disdain
5. The terrible service we've just come to expect and accept at any customer service oriented place... especially resturaunts.

I guess that's it for now. You guys know I don't normally rant - but it's been a tough week.

I wish I knew

((Another I didn't publicly post... haven't read it since until now. Kinda has a whole new meaning in hind sight! Love it when this happens!))

I wish I knew the right thing to do
My heart is torn and I feel so blue
The word just won't come
Oh, what to do
If he only knew

Would he kiss me
Lay down beside me and touch my face
Make me feel so secure in such a scary place

If he only knew...
The fear that tells my heart what I can't do
The places that my mind runs to
The feeling I can't shake that it just ain't enough
Who ever knew love would be this tough

I wish I knew the words to say
I wish I could put my heart on display
I need him to know
Oh, what to do
If he only knew

A Strong Woman VS A Woman of Strength

I LOVE this. Ran across it and just HAD to repost!

*A Strong Woman versus A Woman of Strength*

A strong woman works out everyday to keep her body in shape...
...A woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...
...A woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...
...A woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...
...A woman of strength realized life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face...
...A woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
...A woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Author Unknown