Thursday, December 13, 2007

To feel this way

((This is a blog I didn't publicly publish at the time. Looking back, I think it's good writing and decided to share the raw feelings that bubbled up at that time.))

I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.

This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.

There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.

The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?

Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

What I'll never understand

Well, the holidays are here and it's that time of year where everyone (well, ok, not everyone) is feeling merry. I tire of the cold weather quickly (especially when I see the heating bill) but there is something about the cool crisp air when it first starts to come around... it seems so invigorating. This year will be so different for my family now that JDand I are married. This time last year we were dating... and I had no idea he intended to propose so soon. How's that for perspective?

Everything is bustling and things are really coming together at my house. With Mom and Capelli combining households with Granny I have inherited a lot of cool stuff... which of course we have to make room for in this tiny 2 bedroom house. With things so crazy on that front I haven't been able to put up the Christmas tree or any decor yet... but we are going to try to start on that this evening. I hate being limited o what I can do... if it weren't for being prego I'd get up in the attic and get the tree down myself!!! I wentand bought 4 new stockings yesterday that I plan to dazzle up a little. I don't know how yet and I have NO idea where we will hang them - but those are just minor details. :-)

With all the holiday spirit it still amazes me that people find the time to be so self centered and shallow. That is something that no matter the time of year I will never understand. I recently saw the movie "Mean Girls" for the first time... I cracked up at a particular scene about the leader of the mean girl group because it totally pegged some people I know. And I have to wonder why they would want to live such a miserable existence. Wouldn't you rather surround yourself with people you can truly trust and rely on and have healthy thriving relationships as opposed to always wondering where you stand with someone, what they are saying behind your back, what you have to do next to get some attention, and desperately trying to make yourself feel better by making others look/feel bad? What is the attraction in that?

But for me I have to say... I just can't worry about others so much. People are going to choose thier paths, and I may never understand it, I may not like it, and some times I may even be hurt by it. But I'll continue to move on and live in happiness and love - the only way I know how.
I pray that you find happiness and love - and harmony - during this Christmas Season. And take more than just a moment to remember what it is all about - the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

My Best to All!!!

Mrs JD