Saturday, January 31, 2009

Thought I'd share...

I was trying to find an old poem I remembered vaguely that said "kisses aren't contracts"... it was part of one of those notebook things... you know, those things you passed around in middle school for all your friends to read (back before EVERYBODY had email and forwarded jokes). Well, this is what I found. As it seems, this is part of it but there was more to it... I think this was the introduction and then there was a list of kisses and thier meanings. After so many years I would love to see that thing again. Wierd how appropriate this is.

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and sharing a life.
And you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security
and loneliness is universal.
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with you head
up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your hope on today
as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight
because tomorrows ground can be too uncertain for plans;
yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path
toward the promise of a brighter dawn.
And you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows,
seems ever present, yet is never quite the same,
becoming more than love and less than love,
so difficult to define.
And you learn that through it all you really can endure,
that you really are strong, that you really have value
and you learn and grow...
With every goodbye you learn.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

No stranger to pain

I can’t seem to sleep. Probably due to some things I have going on in my life currently. It’s regrettable that sometimes we hurt the ones we love. Even more so when the effects will likely be felt for a lifetime. So what do we do with this pain and where do we go from here? I guess those are things I will learn as I go.

I’m no stranger to hurt. I’ve been betrayed and deceived in ways that people couldn’t imagine… I have learned the art (and choice) of forgiveness well. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that each hurt, each trial, each seeming setback in my life has served a purpose. I know God has made sure of that. Sometimes you just have to look at things and say “Maybe this is what it took…” to change you, someone you love, a path you were on, or the way you view things. Whatever it is… it will lead to something better.

Right now I feel like I am walking in the wilderness. I feel lost and unsure… and I can’t see my path for all the trees and brush before me. I have doubts and unsure footing and all I know to do right now is listen to the still small voice within. I know my Lord is with me… and he can see what is before me when I can’t, so all I can do is trust Him. I can try to follow in His footsteps of selflessness and forgiveness and love to get through this mess.

The people who have hurt me may not deserve my forgiveness any more than I deserve God’s for all the wrong I’ve done in my life… but you know what? He loves me (and every other person on this earth) so much that it didn’t matter… he provided a way of salvation and forgave our sins. So, I’m choosing to do the same… out of love. It’s a process… and something to be committed to on a daily basis. I know this won’t be easy when I’m in weak moments feeling the deepest of sorrow, abandonment, and betrayal.

As deep and wide as my heart is, in the very depths I feel complete agony. I feel sorrow for what is lost and what I know will never be the same. But I move forward and press on know that the deeper the valleys I face the higher the peaks I will climb. I’m just passing through. So, I’m holding the hand of my savior and pressing on toward that mark. I’m looking forward to the growth I can expect that can only come from this kind of pain.

I know I’m not alone in this. (You said it first! :-))

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ten good years!

It won’t be long and I will be celebrating 10 years since I graduated from highschool. It’s amazing to think how far life has come since my highschool days. It’s amazing how nothing turned out like I pictured it, yet, I wouldn’t change a thing. I absolutely love the fact that I have been able to reconnect with a lot of my friends and acquaintances from those days through sites like MySpace and Facebook… I am unashamedly a member of both. :-)

I hadn’t really thought about my 10 year reunion coming up when hubby and I decided to jump on the “Let’s get healthy” bandwagon. What I had thought about was how inspiring it was to watch lives and bodies transform last season on Biggest Loser. I’ve watched before but I don’t know why… for some reason this last season hit home for me. Maybe it was the young newly wed couple that reminded me of JD and I (although I WAS NOT a big fan of Heba), maybe it was the couple with young kids who were also over weight (I NEVER want my children to go through what I have), maybe it was just that I connected with other very heart warming and inspirations cast members. Whatever it was doesn’t matter – in the here and now I’ve been working hard to eat right and take good care of myself; which can be daunting, in the least, if not downright seeming impossible. I’m feeling around for ways of cooking and eating healthy with both time and monetary budgets in mind. So far I think we have done splendid! Well… unless you ask about exercise. We still haven’t figured out how to work that in and still get a minimum of 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep at night.

I have another doctors appointment coming up soon and I hope this time the results will show the doc that my meds need to be increased… or at least that she will listen to me and treat my symptoms rather than a lab result. My hair is still falling out like crazy and while my mind functions much better than it did before starting the levothyroxine I still have good days and bad days. My skins still stays thick and dry and my nails are weak and brittle no matter what lotion I use or how much water and vitamin E and any other “good for the skin” supplements I take. I still have days where I feel like I can’t do anything, but there is so much I want and need to get accomplished. Sometimes the simplest tasks seem like way too much trouble… and if you know me, you would know that isn’t like me.

As for everything else, I’m just trying to keep up. I suppose one of these days I‘ll get around to all the things I want to do. One of which is going back to school for my masters. All in good time. Until then, I’m going to toast to the 10 good years since stepping out into the real world.


Mrs JD

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The person I aspire to be

Somewhere between home life and work life exists this vague concept of my individual self. I like to picture this gal as a social butterfly; a well-spoken, strong, independent woman; a kind hearted caregiver to those in need; an organized and crafty scrapbooker; and a talented potter and painter of pottery. Granted, I fail to live up to these lofty visions, but they are things I continue to aspire to. Unfortunately, home life often gets in the way of actualization of this individual self I speak of. But, who am I kidding anyway? What would my life be without my loving husband and children? What would I have to scrapbook about? What experience and knowledge would I offer to those in need? What would I offer in conversation with those I would socialize with? It’s funny how the very things that make your life richer and allow you to offer more to the world can sometimes be the very things that hold you back from doing so.

As with all things, I am learning that life is cyclic. There are times when you will contribute heavily to the world around you and to the support of your social network. At other times you will need to lean hard on the support system that has been so delicately placed beneath you over time. Right now I’m in a phase between the two. I’ve felt selfish and self-absorbed for a while… feeling like I’ve folded up within my own little world and worried about no one but me and my little family. I’ve had so much to focus on in my own life that I’ve been unable to help those around me. I’ve wanted to help people around me… but it seemed I just never could manage it. Slowly, I’m trying to pull out of that. I’m hoping that somewhere along the way not only will I find the time to care for others but also to do all the other things I aspire to do.

Friday, January 16, 2009

This is the new me

OK, so not literally the new ME... but this is the new place that expresses ME... where you can get to know me.

I've been thinking for a while now about switching over from my Myspace blog to a blogging website and finally got the push I needed. My WONDERFUL brother (well, in-law anyway, but neither of us really think of it that way) has decided to get rid of Myspace in all it's insanity, drama, and underaged postings of half nakedness. I myself hold onto it only as a means of connecting with those far, far away since my migration to the southernmost parts of Georgia. I fully intend to keep my Myspace alive and well, but you probably won't see any new blogs there other than to note that you can view my blog here. But, I digress. He enjoys reading my blog, so for that reason I finally decided to bite the bullet and make a move.

[BTW, C, you are very welcome for the shout out and for moving this thing so you don't have to hold on to yet another account just to read my silly ramblings. Now I just need to come up with a better call sign for you than just C :-)]

I won't dally any longer as break time is up. But expect more to come. I'm hoping there is a means to post or import my backlog of blogs from Myspace here, as I'm kind of fond of my past musings. If anyone has any info on how to go about that, give me a shout.


Mrs JD