Friday, May 26, 2006

A walk down memory lane

I'm going blind into this tonight without a thought as to what I'm going to write about. I haven't even entered a carefully thought out subject. I did a big long blog last night and as my luck would have it I hit submit and got the good ole "Page cannot be displayed". UGH! Back button wasn't much help, the form was blank when I went back to it. All my great thoughts right down the crapper!

I wrote all about how badly it stunk to be without a computer for a week. After 4 good years it crashed on me. I lost everything. So I had to replace the hard drive. But you know what, I'm not going to write about that because I simply can't recreate the verbiage with the elloquency with which I did it the first time. So hhhhmmmppph!

Whooohooo! It's Friday night and I'm just living it up sitting here in front of my computer with nothing better to do. Er... I have no social life! Well, at least not outside of KK, and an exchange of raspberries and baby babbling isn't what I would consider enlightening conversation. My gracious how I love her, but a mommy can't survive on baby talk and baby talk alone!

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever really date again. How in the world am I supposed to even meet a potential date? I don't exactly see a perfect mate coming from a Mommy and Me play session. The grocery store??? Nah... there's just too much comment on produce squeezing. Hmmm, where else do I go??? Well, church is always a good way to meet people, and if you want a good Godly man... well, it's not 100% but it's your best bet. But I am in an all ladies Sunday School class, and I don't see that changing after the havok in the single ministry... I will not being going back there. Besides, church is about God, I don't want to be distracted by a guy.

B is off in Spain... gotta love the Navy. Not that things were all that great before he left. We did kiss and make up the night before he left, but I think that was more to make him feel better and relieve a guilty conscience than anything else. If it makes him feel better I suppose.

There's one guy I've thought about often lately... I think myspace brings back alot of memories for me from my high school days. Mom told me it would come back to bite me in the butt, and it has as of late. I dated this one guy that I went to prom with my senior year. Sweetheart! Biggest heart a guy could have, and not bad looking either. Of course, at that time I had not learned to appreciate the sweet ones and thus in my eyes he became "too sweet" and "clingy" after the newness wore off. We had an earth shattering break up when I decided that I wanted to be "cling free" when I went off to college in which he tried over and over again to get me to reconsider. He was truly heartbroken according to reliable sources (including his Mom, brother, and one our closest mutual friends).

Nowadays I figure he has probably grown into a fine young man (he went into the Marine Corp). I talked to him just after I moved back to the Bany, over a year after we broke up, and he was still pining over me a bit. Doh! What did I miss? He was a good Christian boy. We sang together at church, he wrote me sweet poetry and love songs, he mowed the lawn and took out the garbage so I wouldn't have to (it was just Mom and I my senior year) and called me every night after work to ask if I want him to bring me anything (Pizza Hut, lol, iot's my favorite to this day).
Although, there was one thing about him that I never shared with anyone - well, about our relationship. He was so giving in his time and efforts in showing that he cared, but when it came down to it he specifically told me there was something holding a piece of his heart back. So while he did all the right things, to hear him say it, his heart wasn't all in it and he couldn't commit at the level that I wanted... that is until I pulled the plug... then of course he was ready to give all he had. Just like a man!

I have no idea where he is today. I would love to talk to him... just see what he's been up to and how life is treating him. And maybe just maybe see what I missed out on. It might be more crow than I'm ready to swallow. Where is Montel Williams when you need (for his reunion shows he's famous for of course... not the paternity test ones, lol).

Well, I'm going to ditch for now. I want to get up early and be domestic and cook up some pancakes, eggs, and sausage. It's becoming a Saturday morning tradition for me.

Be blessed,


Sunday, May 7, 2006

Sweet child of mine

How unbelievably adorable and sweet can one child be? I have the sweetest little child... and yet she begins the pitching of fits and kicking of legs and stamping of feet when she doesn't get her way. Hmmm, wonder where she got that from?

Human nature as it is, it's time to begin the discipline. I hate to see that little curled up lip and crocodile tears streaming down the face when she gets a firm "No" as hold her hands together so that she can't touch whatever it is she was trying to get into that she shouldn't, but I refuse to suffer embarrassment later down the road because of an unbearable brat of a child. Not that MY daughter could EVER be a brat (riiiiight).

Ok, so tell me again where the parenting section is in the Bible? Cause I need some help Lord! Holy spirit intercede, lol!!! Thank heaven for council from the wise women who have gone before me... and for the intercessory prayer ministry at Sherwood (heehee).

I must say though, in addition to the intro to fit pitching she also says thank you when you give her something (and sometimes when she is giving you something). She is also very generous with her hugs. Kisses she generally saves for just Mommy, Papa, and Mimi, though. One of the little boys at church took her by the hand tonight and walked through the atrium with her. Poor Papa, he was totally crushed that he didn't get a shot of that with his camera, which was sitting on the table at home.

Hopefully in the next week or so we will be getting her 12 month pics done... so I'll have some more pics of her posted. I also need to get her birthday party pictures developed and get them posted. She is definitely a shutter bug! She loves the camera and the camera loves her. Then again... she loves anything with buttons. Thank the Lord she got her own phone for a present at her borthday party.

Speaking of the party... it went very well! Her Daddy, his GF, and his brother all came... along with much of the family and some friends from church. KK downed most of a small cake all on her own, which required a bath before we could continue with opening the presents. Now that is as sweet as it gets... pardon the pun, lol.

Boy - a year ago this time KK was a wee little (or really not so little) newborn and I was just getting my first few hours of actual sleep in over 3 days. So, this teething thing doesn't sound so bad in comparison... I'll have to keep reminding myself of this fact.

She actually went down pretty well tonight. We went to dinner after church and got home a little late, so she was fussy, but I opted to wipe her down with baby wipes rather than bathe her then a quick massage with the creamy baby oil, on with the night night clothes (as we call them) and then to the rocking chair with a cup and some books. She got the sweetest story book about a kitten from her Daddy's GF. So, I read her that and The Going to Bed Book. She finished her cup and went out like a light.

She is tucked sweetly in her crib as I type right now, and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard has yet to disturb her. Sweet lullaby music fills the room and every now and then she sighes... sweet child of mine.

How gracious, how wonderful the Lord is to have entrusted me with this little angel.

God Bless!


Thursday, May 4, 2006

25 and a ways to go

Ok, so now I'm 25. I didn't feel that magic time clock kick in. I got ragged at work quite a bit about being such a baby... the ladies I work with are mid 30's to late 40's, and although I have nothing at all against them I will say they are just jealous... or one in particular.

You know how it goes. Someone says something totally rude and then they laugh real loud and real hard and swear up and down they didn't mean it... and that usually means they did. And that's sad, because you know, I'm a genuine person and I like to see the best in folks. It's heart breaking to think that someone is so insecure in themself that they have to tear down someone that has been nothing but true and kind and genuine. And all I can do is pray for the Lord to continually help me to have mercy, grace, and forgiveness in my heart. Lord knows he's shown so much to me!

But that's enough of that!!! So I didn't really do anything special for my birthday. I have been so busy planning Makayla's that I haven't really thought about my birthday. And I don't know why everyone made such a big deal of it. I mean... now that I'm a mom it just doesn't seem so significant to me anymore. I mean... don't get me wrong, I'm pretty darn excited that my insurance is going down (whoohooo!). I mean, my mom seriously pitched a fit over the whole thing! I wasn't trying to upset anyone, but I just want to focus on my daughter. I think that is a great thing, especially since she is the best birthday gift I ever recieved (no offense to all those who have gotten me great gifts over the years).

So, I guess the big 2-5 all really comes down to analyzing where I am in my life compared to where I thought I would be (or rather where I thought I would want to be). And I'm really not there. But then again, I'm much closer than many of my peers. People are waiting longer to get married, longer to have kids (well, in some cases anyway), and longer to grow up and show some adult responsibility. In my case, I'm just waiting longer on the married part. And at this time I am definitely ok with that. The Lord will reveal to me when the time is right.

Boy what twists and turns my life has taken. If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be right now... I don't want to think about what I would have said. I thought I'd be in Atlanta, I thought I'd be with Chris (oh... wow, did I just write, er type that?), and I thought I'd be working on a music career. A year before that... GEEZ! That would be Kenny... I thought I'd be in Indiana, I thought I'd be married with 2 step-children and maybe 1 on the way, I thought I'd be in grad school to become a psychologist. And, ok, let's even go back a couple of years before that... I didn't think I would ever move away from Atlanta, and especially back to the Bany, I thought I'd be in medical school to become a neonatoligist, I thought I'd have found Mr. Right, be newly married and contemplating kids.

Ok, so for all those who thought until this point that I really had it together, I just blew it for you. I will say though, that life changes you, and you have to be ready and willing to make the appropriate adaptations and willing to admit when you were wrong about the direction you were taking and actively choose to take a step in the right direction (was that a run on?). So, while I may not have always gotten it right the first, or second, or even the third time, I can say that I have grown and adapted well.

We are all works in process. God is in the process of refining me, and one of these days I will turn up as pure gold. But until then, you are stuck on this earth with me as imperfect and human as I may be. God bless you all! :-)

By now it's no longer really my birthday... it is now KK's birthday. In just 2 hours and twenty some minutes she will be exactly 1 yr old. Just 1 year and look at her, and the impact she has made on my life. What a sweet little blessing... even with the sleepless nights and as of late endless poopie diapers of the explosive kind. When she looks at me and leans in with her mouth wide open for a big wet kiss, and then lays her little head on my shoulder and says "aaahhhweeee" (which she picked up because I always say "Awe-weee, that's so sweet" when she gives me kisses) my heart just wants to burst with love. I can't imagine one day without walking in the door from work with her there waiting to greet me with a big smile and those beautiful big brown eyes (the Fallin brown eyes).

And so another days rolls into another, which will roll into another sooner or later. Thankfully I elected to take a vacation day tomorrow and spend time with KK. Such a precious gift... and to think, in her eyes I am hero. To quote Martina, "I see who I want to be, in my daughters eyes." And for the next 5 I guess that will be my direction.



Monday, May 1, 2006


Mayday! Mayday! No, I'm sorry... I mean May Day, yeah, that's it, it's May Day. Uh, duh - don't you remember in elementary school.... the streamers hanging from the cafeteria ceiling and the silly little recitals, etc etc. "Aprils showers bring May flowers." and all that jazz.
OK, now you remember!!! I thought so!

Yeah, so, it's the first day of May - er was about 30 minutes ago... sorry, I blew it. Actually Makayla did... she's the reason I didn't get on until this late. I think I'd be cranky too if I were her - she's teething... still... again.

So, the first of May reminds me that I am yet about to be a year older, but even better my daughter is about to be 1 year old!!! We are having a big partay! I can hardly believe it's been a year - and what a year (let's not even go there). For those who actually know me - you know what I mean.

So, another day in the common life of this child of God - thank heaven for small favors - all I hear is the quiet sound of baby's breath - she's sleeping peacefully at last - as I prayed to the Lord that she would do all night, unlike the last 2 weeks. May Day comes to a sweet end. Shortly I will take a peek at my darling angel, blow kisses instead of the usual caress of the face and kiss on the cheek (I refuse to risk waking her) and leave her sweetly sleeping in her own crib - now that is satisfaction! A halo of angels will guard her through the night.

As for me it's off to spend some quiet time with the Lord. But I have to write my prayers to make myself concentrate and not fall asleep or get side tracked. God really does have sense of humor - and I think he winks at me every time I do that.