Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I know God has filled me with purpose in order to fulfill a purpose for which he purposed me. The purposed for which he filled me with purpose I have not purposed myself toward achieving. In fact, I would have to say I have run from it. In my heart I've know that there was something... something I never could quite grasp about what God wanted me to do with my life. I couldn't grasp it likely because I distanced myself from it. But I can see clearly that God made me and shaped me to do exactly what he has called me to.
I feel some guilt for having ignored, not recognized, or just plain run from God's plan for me. At the same time I feel fear that maybe I'm wrong... after all, seems I've been wrong so far. I've already determined that I'm not using my God given talents and in fact some of what I do flies in the face of my weaknesses. But I have to remember that life is a journey and God is going to put things in my path that will develop me spiritually, emotionally, and personally. I can't say definitively that way back when I was even intended to recognize God's purpose... perhaps I was where he purposed me to be for that time... as a way to develop me and bring me to the place I need to be in order to serve his purpose.
I've said before that sometimes you just have to say "Maybe that is what it took." Well, maybe this is what it took to bring me to the point I needed to be to say "Here am I, Lord, send me." Now don't get me wrong... I'm still working on the "send me" part... because I honestly don't want to do this. But he is definitely leaning hard and pushing me towards that. All along the way before this revelation came about his has placed people, circumstances, scripture, and lessons in my life that all come in agreement with what I am hearing. And though I'm asking for clarity and hoping the message will change - perhaps I misunderstood or misinterpreted - it isn't changing. He isn't budging.
This isn't about what I want to do... this is about what glorifies Him. And I'm praying in the mean time that He will bring my heart into alignment with His will and purpose for me. Please pray in agreement with that. For now, it's time for me to get back to work.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The milestones are so bittersweet. I am so very proud of each thing my children accomplish... but each thing brings them closer and closer to independence. I'm trusting the Lord to give me wisdom and discernment to know when to hold on just a little bit longer and when to let them go and do what He has called them to do and be who he has called them to be. In the mean time, the hugs will be a little bit tighter and last a bit longer... and I will enjoy each one, knowing that no matter how independent they become, how educated they get or how far away they go they will always be my children and will bear fruit representative of a legacy of love.
To quote a Nichole Nordeman song - I wanna leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things? I wanna leave an offering. A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically. And leave that kind of legacy.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I was on my way home from work today and I saw a couple of men hanging out at a busy intersection in town with signs. They were pointing them towards each car as they scooted through traffic as if to say "YOU need to read this!". I only got to read one of the signs and I have not been able to find the exact wording they used (had thees and thous in it) in any translation that I have access to but here it is from the NIV
Deuteronomy 7:10 (New International Version)
10 But those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction;
he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him.
I wanted to roll my window down and ask the men if they really felt that the message they were pushing was effective. I wanted to tell them that we should be sharing the love of Christ instead of resorting to fear tactics. Have they not heard that you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?
Now, I am in NO way saying that this particular verse in the Bible is untrue, unimportant, or not applicable. What I am saying is that this is not the best tactic for trying to plant seeds and bring in the lost. I'm not saying that we should compromise the Word of God to make people more comfortable. What I am saying is that we can't afford to preach condemnation of sin without first showing them God's love. What I am saying is that there is a time and place for conviction and that is the job of the Holy Spirit and not some guy on the side of the road preaching hell fire and brimstone. If we want to reach the lost they have to know that it's ok to come as they are. We must share with them that God loves them no matter what they have done. He doesn't love the sin, but he does love the sinner.
I realize these men had good intentions. I'm sure they really are sincere about wanting to see the lost to be saved and sharing the gospel. But the primary truth of the gospel IS NOT that God wants to punish, the primary truth is that God loves us so much that he sent his only begotten son to die on the cross and suffer for our sins. And I don't know a lost soul that would be drawn to finding out more about a god that someone is seeming to say wants to destroy him. The approach these men employed will only serve to alienate and/or infuriate the lost, resulting in a lost opportunity.
When I'm thinking about the lost souls that drove by there today, unfortunately, I'm picturing them continuing to drive down that road paved with the good intentions of those men trying to share God's word. And they may drive that road all the way to Hell. The saddest part is that they left out the verse preceding the verse they chose to share, and that could have changed the message and the result completely.
Deuteronomy 7:9 (New International Version)
9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm letting someone else speak for me tonight. I hope you don't mind terribly.
Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
...hearing "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner" at least three too many times per day (depending on the head count of your family) :-)
...knowing when your 3 year old points to the menu and says she wants a crabby patty she means she wants a hamburger.
...using the word "turd" in the most loving way possible... and letting your 3 year old think you said "turtle" and not turd.
...playing along with dad when he tricks your almost 9 year old boy into thinking if he eats watermelon seeds he will grow a watermelon in his stomach.
...ignoring that your 3 year old mysteriously starts coughing after asking to have a cough drop and being told she doesn't need one.
...internally debating if your 11 month old has had her eyes closed long enough for you to walk away from the crib.
...laughing hysterically when you realize why your daughter was yelling "Hey, that was the zebra" at the TV over and over as your were flipping through and she heard Chris Rock narrating his show "Everybody Hates Chris". (Chris Rock was the voice of Marty the zebra on Madagascar)
...actually liking foam flooring that goes together in puzzle peices and only comes in primary colors.
...admitting that you really do want a mini van.
...deciding its ok every now and then for your kid to have a wipe bath instead of the real thing or have cereal for dinner.
...realizing this is the last "firsts" you will ever experience with a child.
...being able to share the good, the bad, and the funny with just about anyone who feigns interest.
...feeling blessed for all the love and special moments in your life.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and sharing a life.
And you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security
and loneliness is universal.
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with you head
up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your hope on today
as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight
because tomorrows ground can be too uncertain for plans;
yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path
toward the promise of a brighter dawn.
And you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows,
seems ever present, yet is never quite the same,
becoming more than love and less than love,
so difficult to define.
And you learn that through it all you really can endure,
that you really are strong, that you really have value
and you learn and grow...
With every goodbye you learn.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I’m no stranger to hurt. I’ve been betrayed and deceived in ways that people couldn’t imagine… I have learned the art (and choice) of forgiveness well. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that each hurt, each trial, each seeming setback in my life has served a purpose. I know God has made sure of that. Sometimes you just have to look at things and say “Maybe this is what it took…” to change you, someone you love, a path you were on, or the way you view things. Whatever it is… it will lead to something better.
Right now I feel like I am walking in the wilderness. I feel lost and unsure… and I can’t see my path for all the trees and brush before me. I have doubts and unsure footing and all I know to do right now is listen to the still small voice within. I know my Lord is with me… and he can see what is before me when I can’t, so all I can do is trust Him. I can try to follow in His footsteps of selflessness and forgiveness and love to get through this mess.
The people who have hurt me may not deserve my forgiveness any more than I deserve God’s for all the wrong I’ve done in my life… but you know what? He loves me (and every other person on this earth) so much that it didn’t matter… he provided a way of salvation and forgave our sins. So, I’m choosing to do the same… out of love. It’s a process… and something to be committed to on a daily basis. I know this won’t be easy when I’m in weak moments feeling the deepest of sorrow, abandonment, and betrayal.
As deep and wide as my heart is, in the very depths I feel complete agony. I feel sorrow for what is lost and what I know will never be the same. But I move forward and press on know that the deeper the valleys I face the higher the peaks I will climb. I’m just passing through. So, I’m holding the hand of my savior and pressing on toward that mark. I’m looking forward to the growth I can expect that can only come from this kind of pain.
I know I’m not alone in this. (You said it first! :-))
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I hadn’t really thought about my 10 year reunion coming up when hubby and I decided to jump on the “Let’s get healthy” bandwagon. What I had thought about was how inspiring it was to watch lives and bodies transform last season on Biggest Loser. I’ve watched before but I don’t know why… for some reason this last season hit home for me. Maybe it was the young newly wed couple that reminded me of JD and I (although I WAS NOT a big fan of Heba), maybe it was the couple with young kids who were also over weight (I NEVER want my children to go through what I have), maybe it was just that I connected with other very heart warming and inspirations cast members. Whatever it was doesn’t matter – in the here and now I’ve been working hard to eat right and take good care of myself; which can be daunting, in the least, if not downright seeming impossible. I’m feeling around for ways of cooking and eating healthy with both time and monetary budgets in mind. So far I think we have done splendid! Well… unless you ask about exercise. We still haven’t figured out how to work that in and still get a minimum of 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep at night.
I have another doctors appointment coming up soon and I hope this time the results will show the doc that my meds need to be increased… or at least that she will listen to me and treat my symptoms rather than a lab result. My hair is still falling out like crazy and while my mind functions much better than it did before starting the levothyroxine I still have good days and bad days. My skins still stays thick and dry and my nails are weak and brittle no matter what lotion I use or how much water and vitamin E and any other “good for the skin” supplements I take. I still have days where I feel like I can’t do anything, but there is so much I want and need to get accomplished. Sometimes the simplest tasks seem like way too much trouble… and if you know me, you would know that isn’t like me.
As for everything else, I’m just trying to keep up. I suppose one of these days I‘ll get around to all the things I want to do. One of which is going back to school for my masters. All in good time. Until then, I’m going to toast to the 10 good years since stepping out into the real world.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
As with all things, I am learning that life is cyclic. There are times when you will contribute heavily to the world around you and to the support of your social network. At other times you will need to lean hard on the support system that has been so delicately placed beneath you over time. Right now I’m in a phase between the two. I’ve felt selfish and self-absorbed for a while… feeling like I’ve folded up within my own little world and worried about no one but me and my little family. I’ve had so much to focus on in my own life that I’ve been unable to help those around me. I’ve wanted to help people around me… but it seemed I just never could manage it. Slowly, I’m trying to pull out of that. I’m hoping that somewhere along the way not only will I find the time to care for others but also to do all the other things I aspire to do.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I've been thinking for a while now about switching over from my Myspace blog to a blogging website and finally got the push I needed. My WONDERFUL brother (well, in-law anyway, but neither of us really think of it that way) has decided to get rid of Myspace in all it's insanity, drama, and underaged postings of half nakedness. I myself hold onto it only as a means of connecting with those far, far away since my migration to the southernmost parts of Georgia. I fully intend to keep my Myspace alive and well, but you probably won't see any new blogs there other than to note that you can view my blog here. But, I digress. He enjoys reading my blog, so for that reason I finally decided to bite the bullet and make a move.
[BTW, C, you are very welcome for the shout out and for moving this thing so you don't have to hold on to yet another account just to read my silly ramblings. Now I just need to come up with a better call sign for you than just C :-)]
I won't dally any longer as break time is up. But expect more to come. I'm hoping there is a means to post or import my backlog of blogs from Myspace here, as I'm kind of fond of my past musings. If anyone has any info on how to go about that, give me a shout.