Thursday, December 28, 2006

Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and a Happy New Year

So tonight I was queen of the kitchen... meatloaf, mashed potatos (the homemade kind - NOT instant), brussel sprouts (yes, JD and I both love them!), the whole shebang. Not too bad considering I have never made meatloaf or fixed homemade mashed potatos before! Actually, it was quite delish! It was a reminder of how good it feels to be in sync... to prepare a whole meal like that with perfect timing - it takes talent. To be honest - I'm quite out of practice in the kitchen... but I'm hoping to change that now that I have my own home.

It's quite unbelievable that we are getting ready to ring in a new year. This will be the first in I'm not sure how long that I won't be single. I'm happy to be looking forward to 2007 with one of the most incredible men I know! It's really been an amazing few months leading up to now and I'm so thankful to have had JD around to be a part of it all - it wouldn't have been near as special or amazing without him.

I don't feel I'm on my game as far as writing goes tonight... but it's been a while and I felt like writing a blog before getting to work on some laundry. It's the procrastinator in me I guess. At any rate... my first Christmas in my own home was magical. The minimalist Christmas tree was beautiful... even when KK undecorated it constantly. Of course the laundry piled up a bit and the weight too, lol... but we enjoyed time with family and eating - and that is what matters.

So - into the next year I will carry some of that first Christmas in you own home magic with me... and at the end of January I will get to add some Disney magic to it... totally excited to be taking KK on her first trip to Disney! She is going to have a blast! Along with the magic I will carry a hope in my heart for what is to come - things that I cannot know or see... but things that have been promised long before I was ever born. It is so wonderful to see The Masters hands at work... and I'm excited to see the tapestry he is weaving for this next year in my life. He has my best in mind (Jeremiah 29:11)... he has me hemmed in before and behind (Psalm 139)... so I know that whatever it is, it is good.

I'm certain that no matter what 2007 may bring that my love will be with me... he has hung in there through thick and thin... and now has made it through several family functions (I'm extremely impressed - as is the rest of the family). There are talks in the grapevine of wedding bells that neither JD nor I were ringing... so we are unsure at this point if an eccentric family member has made mention of some sort of vision, or if we are really putting off those types of vibes, lol. Either way... we are happy to know that everyone wishes us well and strongly approves. That's a first for me!

I did ask JD if he would marry me for my meatloaf and mashed potatos. He quickly replied that he would marry me for my banana pudding... and everything else is just gravy. Guess it's true - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach! LOL

That's all for now - I'll make sure I keep everyone updated. Have a safe and Happy New Year!

May God bless you with all the best in 2007.


Monday, November 27, 2006

My heart isn't in this blog

I can't seem to find the poetic words to express what I really want to say tonight. To say the least, my heart is just not into writing right now. However, be it said that I need to write this blog. My heart seems to be elsewhere as of late. Right now I think it's probably on it's way to Winn-Dixie. :-) I'm not being funny or cute... ok, well I am - but the point is that someone very special has taken my heart with him.

So on a night like tonight when I keep typing and backspacing and typing again... starting over several times, adding things in and taking stuff out - I can't seem to concentrate on how to say things or what to say or even how to put it all together with a nice big red bow on top... just for him... I figure I might as well say anything as opposed to nothing. And even if it's not terribly impressive to most - the one who counts will get what I mean. I realize that was a terrible run-on... and I don't care (for the record). With so many possibilities of what to say and where to go with all that is on my heart and mind... I can't possibly write a truly coherent masterpiece of a blog.

My typical cutseyness doesn't seem to be working for me tonight. I guess because being too cute would only diminish the sincerity of it all. Because, let me tell you... this man is beyond wonderful to me - and always has been. His shadow darkened my door long before the introduction of Jason... and our witty banter has outlasted the faint whispering stream of lies and broken promises that flowed from Jason's mouth. His words have always been sincere and true - and he tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am.

I am overcome with gratefulness that the Lord has blessed me so greatly by placing him along my path. He has such a gracious servants heart. He has been strength for me not only physically but emotionally. He's been there for me when most other guys probably would have walked away in frustration. He never once said I told you so and gave me the opportunity to sort some things out for myself but was always willing to give an opinion when asked for it.

I can't imagine what my life would be like right now without JD. Well... for one I probably wouldn't have half of the things around this house accomplished - he has been such a huge help!

In other respects... I think I might feel a little tossed about... he's been an anchor for me.
In short... my heart may not be in this blog... but I know where to find it. Right now it seems that some guy with a really hot Monte Carlo has it. I just hope he is careful with it and keeps it all in one piece. :-)

Be blessed!


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Reality check!

Wow... it's really getting down to a little less talk and a lot more action. I bought some tuscan place mats and napkins for the kitchen and a beautiful framed print of some pottery... and a canvas that is going to perfect in my room. I can hardly believe it!

So, I've started some packing... minor things. I keep thinking... what else can I do because it seems so far away, but it's really creeping up on me quick. I've got 2 full weeks before the move. HOLY COW!!! Oh, and get this... I have to go to Atlanta on business the 7th - 9th... GREAT!!! So, bottom line is it is time to get a move on.

In other news... KK is still struggling with this allergy/sinus stuff and ended up with yet ANOTHER ear infection. Dr H is talking allergist or tubes in the ears if things don't turn around quick. The ear infection was so bad in one ear that her ear drum was bulging. Poor baby is having to get the round of 3 antibiotics shots every other day since the last 3 rounds of oral antibiotics didn't work. We are definitely ready for some reliefs, so I'm doing what it takes. But it hurts my heart to have to see her go through that.

Right now it seems that I am in a season in my life of change. Everything is changing and nothing is staying the same. Not only is my life changing, I am changing. I think that is a positive thing. New opportunities are opening up... new people are coming into my life... it's really exciting. Unfortunately, with the good is also the bad.

You never know who you can trust. I'm a very trusting and loyal person. I'm understanding and I'm empathic. While those are good traits it can open me up to some very harsh realities and heart ache if I open my life up to the wrong person. You always hope that isn't the case, but sometimes you never know until its too late. I am so grateful that in each and every instance I have had the Lord has taught me something and I have grown from it. In his infinite wisdom and sovereignty he is weaving such a beautiful tapestry from my life. On the underneath there are tangles and knots that form a network and grounding for the beautiful picture on the surface. So, instead of looking at each and every tangle individually as he is "weaving" the story of my life I choose to look at the bigger picture... the beautiful results of what he is doing.

It seems so odd at such a time in my life that is full of hustle and bustle that He would tell me wait in a particular area of my life... but He has. And althought I don't know what is ahead I am trusting Him and I am waiting. The proverbial sitting still is killing me when everything else seems to be zooming ahead in my life. I don't wanna wait!!! It's scary... thinking things might get behind... but I wait, because ultimately HE knows what is best... see I can't see what the Lord is orchestrating. I can't see what He is protecting me from or preparing me for, or how is he preparing someone else for whatever it is that is to come. Trust, faith, hope, honor... all things I am having to work at. Change is good!!!

God bless!


Thursday, October 12, 2006

Jesus take the wheel

I barely remember writing that last blog - it just seems like so long ago! I'm continually praising the Lord for all He has done. In the midst of the storm I've had to keep my eyes on Him. The giants I spoke about before were no the only giants I've had to face along the way. But, in His perfect timing it will all come together!

Just to update all you curious folks out there... tomorrow I will be meeting with my attorney to re-draft a contract with my offer... negotiating is not my strong suite... so I don't like this much. However, I feel that the Lord has given me a clear answer and that both parties are going to be very happy with this offer and the contract. Once I have that in line the appraisal and inspection will ensue... yay! Tentative closing date? Nov 17th. If I had it my way I wuld do it earlier... but I don't really want to pay interest for many more days that is absolutely necessary.

OK... so no one EVER told me what a pain in the buhunkuss it is to buy a house! Ya coulda warned me!!! But in the end it will all be well worth it!

In other news... as it was brought to my attention this evening by a certain special someone... I will now have my very own refrigerator in my very own house with a very special honey-do list on it for a certain special someone. :-) I told him it was all his fault because he volunteered himself. Now I just got to think of all the potential projects he can work on for me. Wow! Is that weird or what?! Who ever thought Miss Independent Me would have a honey-do list when I've always been of the mindset "I don't need your help!" Who is this man that has come in and upset my life! (I mean that in the sweetest most endearing way Jason).

Yeah... so, things are changing pretty fast. I'm purging... so right now I'm packing things up that I don't want or have room for for a yard sale. I'm making a list of things I need and things I have... and of course the dreaded 'project list' (a list of all the things I want to do to the house at some point). If you are reading this sweetheart - rest assured that some of those things will likely be added to the list of things you have already volunteered for. So, keep an eye on your honey-do list on the fridge... and bring your comfy tool belt, lol.

Work is crazy busy! We have yet to get another recruiter hired - and at this point it is really killing us. I have jury duty the week of 10/23... which I was recalled for from 6 months ago - and here we are again having to ask for me to be excused AGAIN! So... do I really need to be taking time off to close on the house and move? Probably not... but you know what, the Lord will work it all out - I can't sweat the small stuff.

I hope you all are blessed! I need to head to bed.


Monday, October 2, 2006

Stretching faith

OK, so it's been a while now and it's time for another blog. It is truly amazing the work God has done before my eyes in my own life and in the lives of others. We just went through ReFRESH (our annual 'revival' conference) at church and I am definitely refreshed! Through difficulties and busy-ness I made the time to go to the meetings and attend the lunches daily and the Lord truly blessed me for it! I am so grateful to be a part of a wonderful church full of loving people who are ready to serve our Lord and eachother.

Over the last month the Lord has really been stretching my faith. The area of finances has definitely been something he has been dealing with me with faith. It's not enough to give my little 10% each paycheck... it's not enough to give offerings above and beyond my tithe when I feel called to do so. It's not even enough to say that I know the Lord will provide. I must step out on faith and truly trust the Lord to provide for my every need. As the Lord revealed to me... worrying about my finances is a sure sign that I am not trusting him. Yeowch! That's a tough one!

I have had to focus and refocus on this one... I sometimes wonder how I am going to do things... but then I look at all he has given me. The resources I have are so far beyond what many others have. I am so blessed! I have discovered that he can do so much more with my not only my money but also my time... than I could ever dream of. So he says... "You say you believe I will provide for your needs... but are you trusting me, L??? Are you trusting me? Trust me! Trust me!" I am trusting in Him... I'm stepping out on His Word, as Peter did when he walked the water. And I know that even if I stumble, just as Peter did, my Lord and Savior will catch me. He will not let me sink!

I got a pop quiz on faith this week too. A recent development in my life is that I am buying a house. I had planned to wait until after the first of the year to begin looking again. For the last several months I have been working diligently to pay down debt to prepare for such an investment. Well, as you know, the Lord's timing is different from our own and he sure let me know that this week. He plunked an opportunity right on my lap in the form of a darling little 2 bed room home on the avenues. My mom decided to go out looking at a few of the homes a friend of ours told her about on thier street and 1 street up. While she was out she happened to run into this house - she called the number on the FSBY sign and talked to the owner and found out all about the house. She called me in tears... and shew asn't even sure why. When I looked at the home I fell in love. I spent the next rwo days wondering if it was the right thing... and praying. I took my bible out one evening and decided to read Deuteronomy rather than doing my normal devotions... when I opened up to chapter one I had no idea what I would read and what it would mean for me but I prayed to the Lord to show me His will and speak to me through His Word. He did alright. For those of you who know me and my situation you might understand this better... but here's the passages that really spoke to me.

Galations 1
6 The LORD our God said to us at Horeb, "You have stayed long enough at this mountain. 7 Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah, in the mountains, in the western foothills, in the Negev and along the coast, to the land of the Canaanites and to Lebanon, as far as the great river, the Euphrates. 8 See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession of the land that the LORD swore he would give to your fathers—to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—and to their descendants after them." 9 At that time I said to you, "You are too heavy a burden for me to carry alone. 10 The LORD your God has increased your numbers so that today you are as many as the stars in the sky. 11 May the LORD, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousand times and bless you as he has promised!
30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." 32 In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, 33 who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.

Woah! OK, so the Lord has promised me this home – that is basically what I got from that scripture. And he will go before me and fight… I just have to have… there's that word again… yep, FAITH! But of course giants came along as they did with Isreal that scared me… I felt like there was no way I could 'enter the land of Canaan' because of them. But I had to face the giants… oh wait, where have I heard that??? Oh "Facing the Giants"! Wow… he's really prepared me for this! I tell you, the Lord will never ask you to do anything he hasn't equipped you to do! Well, after beginning to stumble with doubt sure enough He was there to catch me… he gently reminded me that He can handle it if I will have faith and trust Him to instead of myself. Ladies and Gentleman… don't doubt in the dark what you have been shown in the light!

So, the short of it is that I am making an offer and putting down the earnest money this week… and I'm trusting God for the rest. He gave me a clear answer to my prayers and I can't let my flesh or Satan deceive me into thinking otherwise. Very soon KKand I will have our very own home! I am incredibly excited and we have already begun the planning. Pray for the decision to be made from here. Pray that I will be strong and be a good steward of this blessing… and pray for my family as we go through this transition. This is going to be very tough on Mimi and Papa! :-)

God bless!


Wednesday, September 6, 2006

More than most

I would have to say that in my life I have been through a lot of things that have given me the opportunity to learn hard but valuable lessons - more than most. By the grace of God I have come through all of those things not only physically alive but spiritually and emotionally. Rather than holding bitterness in my heart (well... for very long periods of time anyway) I have forgiven and moved on. I don't say these things to glorify myself. had it not been for the grace of God I believe I would be a very mean spirited, bitter, miserable person, but through his mercy and love he has given me the ability to walk in forgiveness daily.

Quite a bit of the things I have been through were inflicted by others... some were self inflicted, or at least partly. For those who know me, I mean really know me, you know my story and where I'm coming from on this. There are times in our lives when people wrong us, and at other times we are living in the consequences of our own sin... sometimes they are one in the same. I'm reminded of this on a daily basis.

So, in my "more than most" I have been given the opportunity to minister to many people who have been through similar circumstances. In return I am often blessed myself. Let it be said once again that what Satan means for harm God uses for good! In the midst of the storm it's hard to see the big picture, but not does he use those circumstance and those hurts to draw you closer to him and to shape adn mold you, but he also gives you area of ministry - an opportunity to share your faith and the love of Christ. Isn't that great? We must go thru the valleys to get to the mountain tops.

I really thought I was doing great in this area for a long time... I did hold it as a matter of pride. And sure as the sun rises I was blinded by my pride and I decieved myself into thinking that I deserved to hold onto some anger towards someone who hurt me very deeply. I'm being real here. I didn't want to let go of my anger and bitterness as if to say what this person did was ok. I went around telling myself that it was ok because I always did the right thing and spoke kindly despite the feelings in my heart... what a load of garbage! I carried around this anger that boiled up inside of me any time I thought about the person. I found myself again being prideful that I did the right thing even though this person didn't deserve it. It wasn't about doing the right thing because I had forgiven the person and let it go... it was like a tick mark to me of one more "good deed" stacked up against the all the things this person did to hurt me. That's a dangerous game.

Well, of course, as he often does, the Lord began speaking to me in themes... this one was on forgiveness. Oh how rotten! But Lord, can't I just hold on to this a little longer?! I have so much more to be angry about!!! Nope... no dice, he said. I had to take the high road. But on that road my burden has been much lighter. I gave all of the hurt over to him... and he is the defender and avenger of his people, so I can trust in him to bring everything to justice. Forgiveness is not something that happens over time, although time can sometimes dull the pain and make it easier to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It's a process you have to walk through... sometimes tiptoing.
I just thank my Heavenly Father that he chooses to forgive continually without condition because my Saviour, Jesus Christ, not only did more than most, loved more than most, and went thru more than most... he did more than any, loved more than any, and went thru more than any.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The truth is revealed

I certainly wish that by "the truth is revealed" I was saying I had an epiphany, but as my luck would have it that is not the case. Again, I would just like to reiterate my last blog on authenticity. Why is it that men (and I am aware I am generalizing but I'm speaking of most and not all) feel the need to be big fat liars. Guaranteed that the very guy who claims out-right to be a one woman man and doesn't want to play games is just the opposite.

My personal opinion, these types need affirmation from women. For whatever reason they don't have it within themselves to feel good about themselves, so they get thier jollies from screwing with women's heads and jerking them around and then waiting to see if they will come running back for more, or even better, chase after them.

Well, let me tell you... don't expect to see me running. I just thank the Lord for letting me be in the right place at the right time to see the real deal... I just had to go to my cousins bachelorette outing... and the kicker is we didn't even end up where we had planned to go after dinner- the skating rink, lol. Apparently, adults aren't allowed after 11pm, so by the time we got there it wasn't worth the money for the short amount of time we had left.

My first reaction was to feel like an idiot... played for a FOOL!!! Shoulda seen it coming. But you know what, I'm not the idiot or the fool, I'm the gracious woman who made the decision (and will continue to) to trust someone unless they give me a reason not to. Well, I have my reason... and I'm moving on!

Saturday, August 12, 2006


One thing I am sure of at this point in my life is that authenticity, above all things, is important. Being authentic about who you are, what you believe, what you want, etc etc. Most of all, being authentic with God. After all, if you're not he knows it, and it only serves to further the divide in your relationship with him... or any relationship for that matter.

On that note, I have strove to be authentic in presenting who I am to anyone. I don't know that for the most part I have gotten that in return. I'm struggling with the fact that people tend to be so fake. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And remember that when your mama told you "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." that she meant just what she said - don't say anything... at all - not "make up something to make the person feel good." Can I get an amen?!

Authenticity means that no matter what a person may think about me in the end it is more important for me to be who I am than who they want me to be. It means that my list of friends is on the short end, but that list of friends are authentic friends, one's who will be there for me no matter what. No drama, no alterior motives, no manipulation... my get real, no guts no glory, wholehearted, lifetime friends. I think I rather like it that way.

Authenticity also means that I don't wear the masks that many others do. I don't play the games. I don't attempt to be the person I think someone will like or manipulate others with my actions. I do and say what I think necessary to convey my thoughts and feelings, no more, no less. This can put me at a disadvantage more so than I think I had realized because people say they don't want to play games but they still go around doing things to get reactions and waiting on the persons next move.

It can be shocking when you run into someone who is authentic in a world full of fakes, because I'm not hiding my imperfections and flaws. But this is my thought on the deal... get it out there, be real, and if someone doesn't like you for who you really are then you're not wasting your time. I'm not about to apologize for being imperfect, face it, we all are. And I certainly will not apologize for being the person that God made me. I fully believe that if you can't be authentic before the people you care about most then you have much less of a relationship with them than you think, because they don't know the real you.

It's been a difficult road to this place in my life and I'm sure there are difficulties to come. Until recently I would like to have thought that the hardest lessons were behind me, but God has certainly pointed out to me that that is not the case. But he has promised to give me grace needed to handle whatever besets me until then, and even beyond.

So, I will continue being authentic. And if someone doesn't find me endearing or attractive or want to be friends with me, that is ok. I just want authenticity in return. If that means someone walking out of my life soon after they walk in, so be it. It's like waxing vs tweezing, the tweezing only draws out the inevitable and plucks away at you, while waxing gets it over with quick. I vote for waxing!


Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Another month, another blog

Ok, so I was all about doing my regular blogs at first... and it's been almost a month and nothing. Give me credit though, I think I keep it up more so than most.

Anyway... so on to what is going on in my life...

Lately I've felt very moved at just the thought of what God is doing in my life. I can't imagine where I'd be right now if he hadn't gotten my attention and drawn me back to him. But my Father never gave up on me, his grace has been sufficient for me to make through alot of hurdles lately.

It's been a little odd for me because it seems he's been working very quietly. Things have been pretty calm, and I guess I had gotten so used to clinging to him in the storms that I've almost felt distant from him. I do know that I don't pray as much or stay in His Word as much as I should, and as much as I would if I were in the midst of trials. Will I ever learn? But sure as salvation I know he's there and he reminds me every now and then. I think... he gave his Son to die on the cross for my sins, and I have a hard time taking an hour out of my day to spend some time with him reading his word and talking with my God? How shameful!

I find myself being convicted not only when I say or do things I shouldn't, but when I think things I shouldn't or have a bad attitude. I see more and more things that I need to work on... or rather let the Lord work through me (or out of me, as it may seem, lol). So, I know he's there... and I know he's working on me. I think for so long I was spiritually stagnant and I didn't form good habits that I am now having to put alot of effort towards establishing now.

No small miracle, I have lost 10 lbs! Praise the Lord he has given me the strength to stick to my diet, even while I was on vacation and for over a month now! That's awesome!

I'm also working on getting a few of my songs copyrighted right now so that I can work on scoring them and have someone put an arrangement together for me. I'll be recording them once all that is done so that I can send them to a few labels. I intend to sell the songs... at this point in my life (unlike a few years back) I have no desire to go on the road as a performer. Do I still love to sing... oh yeah. And I love to perform too, don't get me wrong... but I just want to be a Mom, and I love my job and my life, and my wonderful church family... I don't want to miss any of that. I don't think that is what the Lord has for me. At least not in this season of my life. Besides, in the secular music industry I feel it would be too much about me... I want to glorify the Lord with the gifts he's given me, not myself... somthing that took a long time for me to understand and take hold of.

Things are going pretty well with Jason at this point. We've been talking.... and talking and talking and talking (I feel like a highschool girl again). We're going out this weekend... a date, a real date! He's incredible! He's got this wonderful way of making me laugh... and he truly wants to the man God has called him to be. Everything I had been hearing lately was about trusting the Lord for his promises and waiting on him and that the Lord always fulfills his promises when we least expect it. I continued to wait expectantly, but I quit worrying... God works fast!

Jason is exactly where I am in his expectations and desires at this point in his life. For all accounts, so far as I can tell, he looks like a perfect match. Now, I've left it in the Lord's hands and he will take care of it so long as we keep our eyes on him. I'm praying that he guards our hearts and gives us wisdom and discernment concerning the development of our relationship, whether it be friendship or whether it be more. And I for one am excited to see where the Lord takes us!

So, there has been alot going on, and unlike usual I didn't talk a whole lot about my wonderful precious daughter. But speaking of her she just woke up from her nap and she isn't feeling well, so I must go tend to her.

Take care all and God bless!


Thursday, July 6, 2006

Independent on Independence Day

There's so much that has come to light for me in the last few days that I had not to this point thought of. Sure, I knew that for some reason I need to have a place of my own, my own space where I don't feel the pressure to stay out of anyone elses way. I have often wondered though, it's difficult raising a child as a single mom and balancing work, a child, household chores and errands, and some sembalence of a social life when I live with my parents who help out alot... how in the world do I think I can do it all alone. I am certainly thankful for the support but I think I have finally put my finger on what it is about living in a house with my parents and trying to raise a child that is so difficult... and the funny thing is, they had to leave for me to figure it out, lol.

So, the scoop is that Mom and Capelli have gone on this week long frollick on the motocycle to Tennessee. We've missed them, of course... but KK and I have had ourselves a very nice time. I have been quite productive in getting laundry done, keeping the house tidy, fixing dinner, cleaning up KK's meal time messes, bath time, story time, and bed time, and subsequently, bill paying time, phone time, a little bit of TV time, and many other things. I even managed to host a July 4th cook out and did most of the prep, cooking, and clean up. I'm quite proud of myself, because for anyone who knows me you realize what an accomplishment it is for me to keep my head together from start to finish of an event... scatter-brained as I am.

I have had a bit of a social life this week as well. Of course there was the cook out and I have eaten dinner at friends houses and watch a movie one night. I have also had the opportunity to catch up with friends via the phone.

So... what happened? What is so dramatically different about Mom and Capelli not being here? This is what I have surmized... I simply don't feel the pressure to measure up to their standards rather than my own. I don't feel that twing of anxiety when I leave KK's meal time mess under the high chair to clean up after I give her a bath. I don't have to wonder "what'd I do or not do now" every time I hear my name called across the house. I don't have to worry that KK is disturbing someone's television time or sleep. I can do laundry when it's convenient for me without having to worry about those darn metal buttons and clamps clanging in the dryer and disturbing someone's sleep. Simply put, I can do things my way... and that makes my life so much easier.

See, although my mother and I are very much alike, our brains think on completely different spectrums. If I do something one way, you better believe she will have a way of doing it that is completely opposite... the problem with that is that we both are pretty particular about the way things are done... she likes her way and I like mine. Silly, I know, but for example I'm picky about the way clothes and towels are folded as is she... that is a source of contention in our household, lol. Really, if we do eachother's laundry we try to comply with eachother's standards as much as possible, but it's hard to re-train yourself. But... that's just a silly example. We really do think on different brain waves, we can even draw two totally different conclusions from the same story or movie.

So, naturally, the way I do things around the house is different, in a different order of priority, using different methods, etc. Where I would happily spray an area with cleanser and mop it up with a dish cloth and my feet my mother would probably get out the real thing and do a quick damp mop.

While I'm in the bathroom bathing KK who often comes out of her highchair covered in whatever was for dinner Mom may pass by her meal time mess several times. It doesn't bother me... I'm not looking at it, I wouldn't even think of it if I weren't concerned with it bothering her or Capelli, but trust it is probably bothering her. She is probably wondering when I will clean it up or even if I will. If it were her she would clean the mess before bathing KK. I don't know how, because she needs a bath before she can be let loose or the house would be peas and carrot crusted work of art... but she knows how because she thinks differently than I do. By worry about meeting her standards I get myself worked up and in a hurry to get things done before anyone gets in a tizzy. Consequently, I'm doing things contrary to my thought pattern and the way my brain works, which throws me into one of those scatter-brained spins and I forget about the laundry that needs to be put in the dryer or the dishes in the sink, or I sweep the mess under the highchair into a pile but never make it back with the dust pan. It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but as I'm doing one thing I'm frantically thinking of all the other things that need to be done that Mom would probably have already had done if it were her.

I know this is getting long and drawn out, but it was good to get all this out on virtual paper, hehe. Suffice to say that being independent on Independence Day was a good experience for me. Not only have I come to realize where the difficulty is, which is half the battle in resolving it (if indeed it is resolvable), but I think I also gained some confidence in my own abilities as a mother and a homemaker.... yeah, a homemaker... just because I work outside the home doesn't mean I don't have to work when I get here. I think someone forgot to mention that somewhere along the way... bummer. But I wouldn't change a thing. Life's most precious gifts are usually the one's you have to work the hardest for. We've all learned the lesson that you appreciate things more when you have to work for them.

Carpe diem!


Saturday, June 10, 2006

Refining Silver

This is the story on refining silver that I was talking about. Some may have heard or seen it before, but I love it and I'm posting it.

Please note that I did not write this and the author is unknown. Enjoy!

There was a group of woman in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter 3, they came across verse 3 which says:

"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..."

This verse puzzled the woman and they wondered what this statement means about the character and nature of God. One of the woman offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for the interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the siversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver...". She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh thats the easy part, when I see my image reflected in it."

Friday, June 9, 2006

Teach me thy ways

Ok, so the last few weeks I feel like I have been through the wringer. Life at 25 with a child living with your parents is not peachy. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of why I am here, but that time in my life is behind me and I am moving on to a much better, much happier life, the abundant life that God promises us. It's ours for the taking, but I have such a hard time remembering that I have to reach out for it daily... and die to myself and all my pride.

The jest of it is that I want so much more for KK, and I want more for me too. I want my own space. I want to live my life and raise my daughter without feeling like I've got my mother over my shoulder watching my every move. I'd be great if I felt like I was the Mom for once instead of her. The fact is that she's older, she has more experience, and she is wiser. Therefore, as I am trying to raise my daughter and be her mother, I get plenty of advice along the way... ampng other things. You say "You should be grateful for the help." Wait til you have your own children, you will know what I am talking about. She doesn't do it trying to make me feel inadequate, or even because she thinks I am... she's just trying to help. I have tried to make the point to her that I need to be able to care for KK myself and feel like I'm the mother. I need the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them like any other mother. She doesn't get it or she can't control that motherly instinct... I don't know which but I seriously am having difficulty with it.

In all the frustration and angst I tend to be a little on the testy side with her. I don't mean to, it just comes out... and then I'm thinking... what did I say that like that for. But of course who wants to admit they are wrong... I often do, but I don't like it. So I have been doing alot of apologizing lately. But I've continued like a spiral into this funk... I feel terrible about my current sitch when I should be grateful. There have been moments that I can't bear to think about it without tearing up. And it hit me... like a dagger in the heart. Oh Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. He's revealing things in me that need to change, things that I need to hand over to him. I'm telling you, this stuff will break your heart. For all he has done for me... and I'm stuck in this petty little rut?! Get over yourself L!

So, here I am bearing my soul... which is so unlike me. I have been through so much in my life and learned tough lessons about who you can trust. Needless to say I don't open up easily. Sure, I may share about myself, and some very deeply personal things, but not with the affect with which I share myself and who I truly am with someone I trust and care about. Those people in my life who not only know my story but know what it means to me, how it's shaped me, and how I feel about... those are my closest friends and love ones. They are the one's I trust and open up to. So, I'm shocking myself here.

I will totally have a fit if I lose another long heart felt blog before I can get it posted. Yeah, I had a good one ready to post a few nights ago and clicked a link that opened in the window that the blog I was getting ready to post was in. If you have ever done it you know what I'm talking about. I hit the back button and for the second time in my myspace stint I had lost it all!
So, anyway, my point really is that the Lord is working on me and using my circumstances to reveal things that he wants to change in me. So, I'm having some growth pains I guess you could say. Going thru the trials is bad enough but as Beth Moore would say, it slays me to have the truth revealed to me about myself.

Bless our God, O peoples!
Give him a thunderous welcome!
Didn't he set us on the road to life?
Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?
He trained us first,
passed us like silver through refining fires,
Brought us into hardscrabble country,
pushed us to our very limit,
Road-tested us inside and out,
took us to hell and back;
Finally he brought us
to this well-watered place.

Psalm 66:8-12 from The Message

For every difficulty, every trial, each and every spot He reveals and then burns out of me, I am coming closer to being pure, to showing a reflection of Christ in me. For that I am truly grateful because that means that despite my past I do not live in defeat and despair because I through Him I am victorious. That doesn't mean that everything will be great all the time, but that I have the joy of the Lord in my heart regardless of my circumstances.

I'm posting my favorite story about the refining of silver as soon as I can find it.

Thanks for listening!


Monday, June 5, 2006

Miscellaneous life stuff

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. He has been so good to me spite my defiance. He continues to show me mercy and patience that I don't deserve. My lack of faith hasn't deterred him from his faithfulness to provide for Makayla and I. Yet here I am in the midst of so much change wondering what to do.

Is it really as simple as saying a prayer? You mean to tell me that all I have to do is ask You for guidance? So, You're saying that what You said in Your Word is true? --Wow, what a concept!!! How easily I forget.

It's engrained in my mind like a data on a hard drive, you never really can get rid of it... but how often I fail to put it into practice:

Proverbs 3:5&6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Thanks Stephen K for suggesting to read 1 chapter in Proverbs a day over and over... how wise!

OK, so people, seriously... pray for me. I'm currently house shopping and I want to make the right decision. Pray that the Lord will give me wisdom and discernment. Pray that I will listen for him and hear his wisper in my heart. He knows my desire to have a home of my own. But it may not be his timing now, so pray also that I will seek after his will and not my own.
What else??? I'm not sure. I had alot going on in my mind when I began this blog but it all seems to have been lost. That's what I get for trying to watch the news and type up my blog at the same time.

I was thinking today how excited I am about the new bible study we are starting for the Summer. I absolutely love Beth Moore. Her testimony and how God has used her has really been a blessing and speaks to me. She is truly annointed. We are starting her Daniel bible study this week. I just hope that I will be able to consistently find someone to watch KK for me on Thursday nights. Surely the Lord would not want me to miss out on this?

Yet another thing to consider, I've recently discovered some continuing ed classes offered online thru Darton for HR professionals that I would like to take. They are only 6 weeks long, and I would absolutely love to do it, but when I think of my days and how crammed they already are I can seem to possible justify it. Who will take care of Makayla while I try to do school work? (Well, I know who won't, but that is another blog in itself) How many of my precious few hours with her will that take up?

It seems to me that there are too few hours in the day. now, I'm not doubting the Lord's creation plan, but I'm non-stop untile at least 1am every night, and I'm lucky to have 3 nights that I get to sleep without disruption. And... it's all me... so I don't even have someone to complain about not getting up in the middle of the night or taking turns changing the poopie diapers. I wouldn't have it any other way, I absolutely adore my daughter, and I am quite aware of the reason I am in the situation I am in. But it just gets so blah sometimes. I wish I had someone to not only share the middle of the night duties, but also the great moments when she does the cutest, sweetest things in the world, or lays there sleeping peacefully with her little bottom hiked in the air and her little abdomen gently rising and falling.

Well, being that KK is asleep in her room I am on the laptop in the living room. The battery is going dead so it is goodnight and farewell for now.

God bless you all!


Friday, May 26, 2006

A walk down memory lane

I'm going blind into this tonight without a thought as to what I'm going to write about. I haven't even entered a carefully thought out subject. I did a big long blog last night and as my luck would have it I hit submit and got the good ole "Page cannot be displayed". UGH! Back button wasn't much help, the form was blank when I went back to it. All my great thoughts right down the crapper!

I wrote all about how badly it stunk to be without a computer for a week. After 4 good years it crashed on me. I lost everything. So I had to replace the hard drive. But you know what, I'm not going to write about that because I simply can't recreate the verbiage with the elloquency with which I did it the first time. So hhhhmmmppph!

Whooohooo! It's Friday night and I'm just living it up sitting here in front of my computer with nothing better to do. Er... I have no social life! Well, at least not outside of KK, and an exchange of raspberries and baby babbling isn't what I would consider enlightening conversation. My gracious how I love her, but a mommy can't survive on baby talk and baby talk alone!

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever really date again. How in the world am I supposed to even meet a potential date? I don't exactly see a perfect mate coming from a Mommy and Me play session. The grocery store??? Nah... there's just too much comment on produce squeezing. Hmmm, where else do I go??? Well, church is always a good way to meet people, and if you want a good Godly man... well, it's not 100% but it's your best bet. But I am in an all ladies Sunday School class, and I don't see that changing after the havok in the single ministry... I will not being going back there. Besides, church is about God, I don't want to be distracted by a guy.

B is off in Spain... gotta love the Navy. Not that things were all that great before he left. We did kiss and make up the night before he left, but I think that was more to make him feel better and relieve a guilty conscience than anything else. If it makes him feel better I suppose.

There's one guy I've thought about often lately... I think myspace brings back alot of memories for me from my high school days. Mom told me it would come back to bite me in the butt, and it has as of late. I dated this one guy that I went to prom with my senior year. Sweetheart! Biggest heart a guy could have, and not bad looking either. Of course, at that time I had not learned to appreciate the sweet ones and thus in my eyes he became "too sweet" and "clingy" after the newness wore off. We had an earth shattering break up when I decided that I wanted to be "cling free" when I went off to college in which he tried over and over again to get me to reconsider. He was truly heartbroken according to reliable sources (including his Mom, brother, and one our closest mutual friends).

Nowadays I figure he has probably grown into a fine young man (he went into the Marine Corp). I talked to him just after I moved back to the Bany, over a year after we broke up, and he was still pining over me a bit. Doh! What did I miss? He was a good Christian boy. We sang together at church, he wrote me sweet poetry and love songs, he mowed the lawn and took out the garbage so I wouldn't have to (it was just Mom and I my senior year) and called me every night after work to ask if I want him to bring me anything (Pizza Hut, lol, iot's my favorite to this day).
Although, there was one thing about him that I never shared with anyone - well, about our relationship. He was so giving in his time and efforts in showing that he cared, but when it came down to it he specifically told me there was something holding a piece of his heart back. So while he did all the right things, to hear him say it, his heart wasn't all in it and he couldn't commit at the level that I wanted... that is until I pulled the plug... then of course he was ready to give all he had. Just like a man!

I have no idea where he is today. I would love to talk to him... just see what he's been up to and how life is treating him. And maybe just maybe see what I missed out on. It might be more crow than I'm ready to swallow. Where is Montel Williams when you need (for his reunion shows he's famous for of course... not the paternity test ones, lol).

Well, I'm going to ditch for now. I want to get up early and be domestic and cook up some pancakes, eggs, and sausage. It's becoming a Saturday morning tradition for me.

Be blessed,


Sunday, May 7, 2006

Sweet child of mine

How unbelievably adorable and sweet can one child be? I have the sweetest little child... and yet she begins the pitching of fits and kicking of legs and stamping of feet when she doesn't get her way. Hmmm, wonder where she got that from?

Human nature as it is, it's time to begin the discipline. I hate to see that little curled up lip and crocodile tears streaming down the face when she gets a firm "No" as hold her hands together so that she can't touch whatever it is she was trying to get into that she shouldn't, but I refuse to suffer embarrassment later down the road because of an unbearable brat of a child. Not that MY daughter could EVER be a brat (riiiiight).

Ok, so tell me again where the parenting section is in the Bible? Cause I need some help Lord! Holy spirit intercede, lol!!! Thank heaven for council from the wise women who have gone before me... and for the intercessory prayer ministry at Sherwood (heehee).

I must say though, in addition to the intro to fit pitching she also says thank you when you give her something (and sometimes when she is giving you something). She is also very generous with her hugs. Kisses she generally saves for just Mommy, Papa, and Mimi, though. One of the little boys at church took her by the hand tonight and walked through the atrium with her. Poor Papa, he was totally crushed that he didn't get a shot of that with his camera, which was sitting on the table at home.

Hopefully in the next week or so we will be getting her 12 month pics done... so I'll have some more pics of her posted. I also need to get her birthday party pictures developed and get them posted. She is definitely a shutter bug! She loves the camera and the camera loves her. Then again... she loves anything with buttons. Thank the Lord she got her own phone for a present at her borthday party.

Speaking of the party... it went very well! Her Daddy, his GF, and his brother all came... along with much of the family and some friends from church. KK downed most of a small cake all on her own, which required a bath before we could continue with opening the presents. Now that is as sweet as it gets... pardon the pun, lol.

Boy - a year ago this time KK was a wee little (or really not so little) newborn and I was just getting my first few hours of actual sleep in over 3 days. So, this teething thing doesn't sound so bad in comparison... I'll have to keep reminding myself of this fact.

She actually went down pretty well tonight. We went to dinner after church and got home a little late, so she was fussy, but I opted to wipe her down with baby wipes rather than bathe her then a quick massage with the creamy baby oil, on with the night night clothes (as we call them) and then to the rocking chair with a cup and some books. She got the sweetest story book about a kitten from her Daddy's GF. So, I read her that and The Going to Bed Book. She finished her cup and went out like a light.

She is tucked sweetly in her crib as I type right now, and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard has yet to disturb her. Sweet lullaby music fills the room and every now and then she sighes... sweet child of mine.

How gracious, how wonderful the Lord is to have entrusted me with this little angel.

God Bless!


Thursday, May 4, 2006

25 and a ways to go

Ok, so now I'm 25. I didn't feel that magic time clock kick in. I got ragged at work quite a bit about being such a baby... the ladies I work with are mid 30's to late 40's, and although I have nothing at all against them I will say they are just jealous... or one in particular.

You know how it goes. Someone says something totally rude and then they laugh real loud and real hard and swear up and down they didn't mean it... and that usually means they did. And that's sad, because you know, I'm a genuine person and I like to see the best in folks. It's heart breaking to think that someone is so insecure in themself that they have to tear down someone that has been nothing but true and kind and genuine. And all I can do is pray for the Lord to continually help me to have mercy, grace, and forgiveness in my heart. Lord knows he's shown so much to me!

But that's enough of that!!! So I didn't really do anything special for my birthday. I have been so busy planning Makayla's that I haven't really thought about my birthday. And I don't know why everyone made such a big deal of it. I mean... now that I'm a mom it just doesn't seem so significant to me anymore. I mean... don't get me wrong, I'm pretty darn excited that my insurance is going down (whoohooo!). I mean, my mom seriously pitched a fit over the whole thing! I wasn't trying to upset anyone, but I just want to focus on my daughter. I think that is a great thing, especially since she is the best birthday gift I ever recieved (no offense to all those who have gotten me great gifts over the years).

So, I guess the big 2-5 all really comes down to analyzing where I am in my life compared to where I thought I would be (or rather where I thought I would want to be). And I'm really not there. But then again, I'm much closer than many of my peers. People are waiting longer to get married, longer to have kids (well, in some cases anyway), and longer to grow up and show some adult responsibility. In my case, I'm just waiting longer on the married part. And at this time I am definitely ok with that. The Lord will reveal to me when the time is right.

Boy what twists and turns my life has taken. If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be right now... I don't want to think about what I would have said. I thought I'd be in Atlanta, I thought I'd be with Chris (oh... wow, did I just write, er type that?), and I thought I'd be working on a music career. A year before that... GEEZ! That would be Kenny... I thought I'd be in Indiana, I thought I'd be married with 2 step-children and maybe 1 on the way, I thought I'd be in grad school to become a psychologist. And, ok, let's even go back a couple of years before that... I didn't think I would ever move away from Atlanta, and especially back to the Bany, I thought I'd be in medical school to become a neonatoligist, I thought I'd have found Mr. Right, be newly married and contemplating kids.

Ok, so for all those who thought until this point that I really had it together, I just blew it for you. I will say though, that life changes you, and you have to be ready and willing to make the appropriate adaptations and willing to admit when you were wrong about the direction you were taking and actively choose to take a step in the right direction (was that a run on?). So, while I may not have always gotten it right the first, or second, or even the third time, I can say that I have grown and adapted well.

We are all works in process. God is in the process of refining me, and one of these days I will turn up as pure gold. But until then, you are stuck on this earth with me as imperfect and human as I may be. God bless you all! :-)

By now it's no longer really my birthday... it is now KK's birthday. In just 2 hours and twenty some minutes she will be exactly 1 yr old. Just 1 year and look at her, and the impact she has made on my life. What a sweet little blessing... even with the sleepless nights and as of late endless poopie diapers of the explosive kind. When she looks at me and leans in with her mouth wide open for a big wet kiss, and then lays her little head on my shoulder and says "aaahhhweeee" (which she picked up because I always say "Awe-weee, that's so sweet" when she gives me kisses) my heart just wants to burst with love. I can't imagine one day without walking in the door from work with her there waiting to greet me with a big smile and those beautiful big brown eyes (the Fallin brown eyes).

And so another days rolls into another, which will roll into another sooner or later. Thankfully I elected to take a vacation day tomorrow and spend time with KK. Such a precious gift... and to think, in her eyes I am hero. To quote Martina, "I see who I want to be, in my daughters eyes." And for the next 5 I guess that will be my direction.



Monday, May 1, 2006


Mayday! Mayday! No, I'm sorry... I mean May Day, yeah, that's it, it's May Day. Uh, duh - don't you remember in elementary school.... the streamers hanging from the cafeteria ceiling and the silly little recitals, etc etc. "Aprils showers bring May flowers." and all that jazz.
OK, now you remember!!! I thought so!

Yeah, so, it's the first day of May - er was about 30 minutes ago... sorry, I blew it. Actually Makayla did... she's the reason I didn't get on until this late. I think I'd be cranky too if I were her - she's teething... still... again.

So, the first of May reminds me that I am yet about to be a year older, but even better my daughter is about to be 1 year old!!! We are having a big partay! I can hardly believe it's been a year - and what a year (let's not even go there). For those who actually know me - you know what I mean.

So, another day in the common life of this child of God - thank heaven for small favors - all I hear is the quiet sound of baby's breath - she's sleeping peacefully at last - as I prayed to the Lord that she would do all night, unlike the last 2 weeks. May Day comes to a sweet end. Shortly I will take a peek at my darling angel, blow kisses instead of the usual caress of the face and kiss on the cheek (I refuse to risk waking her) and leave her sweetly sleeping in her own crib - now that is satisfaction! A halo of angels will guard her through the night.

As for me it's off to spend some quiet time with the Lord. But I have to write my prayers to make myself concentrate and not fall asleep or get side tracked. God really does have sense of humor - and I think he winks at me every time I do that.