Sunday, August 20, 2006

The truth is revealed

I certainly wish that by "the truth is revealed" I was saying I had an epiphany, but as my luck would have it that is not the case. Again, I would just like to reiterate my last blog on authenticity. Why is it that men (and I am aware I am generalizing but I'm speaking of most and not all) feel the need to be big fat liars. Guaranteed that the very guy who claims out-right to be a one woman man and doesn't want to play games is just the opposite.

My personal opinion, these types need affirmation from women. For whatever reason they don't have it within themselves to feel good about themselves, so they get thier jollies from screwing with women's heads and jerking them around and then waiting to see if they will come running back for more, or even better, chase after them.

Well, let me tell you... don't expect to see me running. I just thank the Lord for letting me be in the right place at the right time to see the real deal... I just had to go to my cousins bachelorette outing... and the kicker is we didn't even end up where we had planned to go after dinner- the skating rink, lol. Apparently, adults aren't allowed after 11pm, so by the time we got there it wasn't worth the money for the short amount of time we had left.

My first reaction was to feel like an idiot... played for a FOOL!!! Shoulda seen it coming. But you know what, I'm not the idiot or the fool, I'm the gracious woman who made the decision (and will continue to) to trust someone unless they give me a reason not to. Well, I have my reason... and I'm moving on!

Saturday, August 12, 2006


One thing I am sure of at this point in my life is that authenticity, above all things, is important. Being authentic about who you are, what you believe, what you want, etc etc. Most of all, being authentic with God. After all, if you're not he knows it, and it only serves to further the divide in your relationship with him... or any relationship for that matter.

On that note, I have strove to be authentic in presenting who I am to anyone. I don't know that for the most part I have gotten that in return. I'm struggling with the fact that people tend to be so fake. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And remember that when your mama told you "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." that she meant just what she said - don't say anything... at all - not "make up something to make the person feel good." Can I get an amen?!

Authenticity means that no matter what a person may think about me in the end it is more important for me to be who I am than who they want me to be. It means that my list of friends is on the short end, but that list of friends are authentic friends, one's who will be there for me no matter what. No drama, no alterior motives, no manipulation... my get real, no guts no glory, wholehearted, lifetime friends. I think I rather like it that way.

Authenticity also means that I don't wear the masks that many others do. I don't play the games. I don't attempt to be the person I think someone will like or manipulate others with my actions. I do and say what I think necessary to convey my thoughts and feelings, no more, no less. This can put me at a disadvantage more so than I think I had realized because people say they don't want to play games but they still go around doing things to get reactions and waiting on the persons next move.

It can be shocking when you run into someone who is authentic in a world full of fakes, because I'm not hiding my imperfections and flaws. But this is my thought on the deal... get it out there, be real, and if someone doesn't like you for who you really are then you're not wasting your time. I'm not about to apologize for being imperfect, face it, we all are. And I certainly will not apologize for being the person that God made me. I fully believe that if you can't be authentic before the people you care about most then you have much less of a relationship with them than you think, because they don't know the real you.

It's been a difficult road to this place in my life and I'm sure there are difficulties to come. Until recently I would like to have thought that the hardest lessons were behind me, but God has certainly pointed out to me that that is not the case. But he has promised to give me grace needed to handle whatever besets me until then, and even beyond.

So, I will continue being authentic. And if someone doesn't find me endearing or attractive or want to be friends with me, that is ok. I just want authenticity in return. If that means someone walking out of my life soon after they walk in, so be it. It's like waxing vs tweezing, the tweezing only draws out the inevitable and plucks away at you, while waxing gets it over with quick. I vote for waxing!


Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Another month, another blog

Ok, so I was all about doing my regular blogs at first... and it's been almost a month and nothing. Give me credit though, I think I keep it up more so than most.

Anyway... so on to what is going on in my life...

Lately I've felt very moved at just the thought of what God is doing in my life. I can't imagine where I'd be right now if he hadn't gotten my attention and drawn me back to him. But my Father never gave up on me, his grace has been sufficient for me to make through alot of hurdles lately.

It's been a little odd for me because it seems he's been working very quietly. Things have been pretty calm, and I guess I had gotten so used to clinging to him in the storms that I've almost felt distant from him. I do know that I don't pray as much or stay in His Word as much as I should, and as much as I would if I were in the midst of trials. Will I ever learn? But sure as salvation I know he's there and he reminds me every now and then. I think... he gave his Son to die on the cross for my sins, and I have a hard time taking an hour out of my day to spend some time with him reading his word and talking with my God? How shameful!

I find myself being convicted not only when I say or do things I shouldn't, but when I think things I shouldn't or have a bad attitude. I see more and more things that I need to work on... or rather let the Lord work through me (or out of me, as it may seem, lol). So, I know he's there... and I know he's working on me. I think for so long I was spiritually stagnant and I didn't form good habits that I am now having to put alot of effort towards establishing now.

No small miracle, I have lost 10 lbs! Praise the Lord he has given me the strength to stick to my diet, even while I was on vacation and for over a month now! That's awesome!

I'm also working on getting a few of my songs copyrighted right now so that I can work on scoring them and have someone put an arrangement together for me. I'll be recording them once all that is done so that I can send them to a few labels. I intend to sell the songs... at this point in my life (unlike a few years back) I have no desire to go on the road as a performer. Do I still love to sing... oh yeah. And I love to perform too, don't get me wrong... but I just want to be a Mom, and I love my job and my life, and my wonderful church family... I don't want to miss any of that. I don't think that is what the Lord has for me. At least not in this season of my life. Besides, in the secular music industry I feel it would be too much about me... I want to glorify the Lord with the gifts he's given me, not myself... somthing that took a long time for me to understand and take hold of.

Things are going pretty well with Jason at this point. We've been talking.... and talking and talking and talking (I feel like a highschool girl again). We're going out this weekend... a date, a real date! He's incredible! He's got this wonderful way of making me laugh... and he truly wants to the man God has called him to be. Everything I had been hearing lately was about trusting the Lord for his promises and waiting on him and that the Lord always fulfills his promises when we least expect it. I continued to wait expectantly, but I quit worrying... God works fast!

Jason is exactly where I am in his expectations and desires at this point in his life. For all accounts, so far as I can tell, he looks like a perfect match. Now, I've left it in the Lord's hands and he will take care of it so long as we keep our eyes on him. I'm praying that he guards our hearts and gives us wisdom and discernment concerning the development of our relationship, whether it be friendship or whether it be more. And I for one am excited to see where the Lord takes us!

So, there has been alot going on, and unlike usual I didn't talk a whole lot about my wonderful precious daughter. But speaking of her she just woke up from her nap and she isn't feeling well, so I must go tend to her.

Take care all and God bless!