Thursday, December 13, 2007

To feel this way

((This is a blog I didn't publicly publish at the time. Looking back, I think it's good writing and decided to share the raw feelings that bubbled up at that time.))

I know what loss is like. I know how it feels - that empty hole feeling in your heart... and the taste of salty tears on your lips. I know how it looks - red faced and swollen. It smells like peace lillies and fresh cut carnations.

This time it's not me but the one's dearest to me dealing with the loss. It seems unfair that someone should have to experience such things at such a young age. But we are human and mortal. We cannot live forever.

There has been a lot of loss this year. Thank God for the good things between. But right now I can't help but hurt for the people I love. I'm distressed and out of sorts. I feel so unprepared and vulnerable. But mostly right now I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow "that woman" that came into JD's life and took over. I don't know why and it's selfish of me to even be thinking of myself right now. But I somehow feel alienated... not overtly, it's very subtle. I'm probably just being insecure.

The sinking feeling hit me most when I realized that even as JD's wife I'm not expected at all to be around for anything dealing with Nette's funeral. Even JD said "I understand if you can't take time off". How much does that suck?

Anyway - right now it's not about me, so I'm ending my pity party right now.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

What I'll never understand

Well, the holidays are here and it's that time of year where everyone (well, ok, not everyone) is feeling merry. I tire of the cold weather quickly (especially when I see the heating bill) but there is something about the cool crisp air when it first starts to come around... it seems so invigorating. This year will be so different for my family now that JDand I are married. This time last year we were dating... and I had no idea he intended to propose so soon. How's that for perspective?

Everything is bustling and things are really coming together at my house. With Mom and Capelli combining households with Granny I have inherited a lot of cool stuff... which of course we have to make room for in this tiny 2 bedroom house. With things so crazy on that front I haven't been able to put up the Christmas tree or any decor yet... but we are going to try to start on that this evening. I hate being limited o what I can do... if it weren't for being prego I'd get up in the attic and get the tree down myself!!! I wentand bought 4 new stockings yesterday that I plan to dazzle up a little. I don't know how yet and I have NO idea where we will hang them - but those are just minor details. :-)

With all the holiday spirit it still amazes me that people find the time to be so self centered and shallow. That is something that no matter the time of year I will never understand. I recently saw the movie "Mean Girls" for the first time... I cracked up at a particular scene about the leader of the mean girl group because it totally pegged some people I know. And I have to wonder why they would want to live such a miserable existence. Wouldn't you rather surround yourself with people you can truly trust and rely on and have healthy thriving relationships as opposed to always wondering where you stand with someone, what they are saying behind your back, what you have to do next to get some attention, and desperately trying to make yourself feel better by making others look/feel bad? What is the attraction in that?

But for me I have to say... I just can't worry about others so much. People are going to choose thier paths, and I may never understand it, I may not like it, and some times I may even be hurt by it. But I'll continue to move on and live in happiness and love - the only way I know how.
I pray that you find happiness and love - and harmony - during this Christmas Season. And take more than just a moment to remember what it is all about - the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

My Best to All!!!

Mrs JD

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Experiencing the loss of a loved on is a very personal and individual matter. In all my 26 years I have learned that each person grieves in thier own way. Some quietly, some not so quietly. But everyone needs thier time to grieve the loss of someone they've loved so much for so many years. Some grieve very privately and in the face of things are the strong rock that others need in order to get through. Some grieve very openly and need to lean hard on those around for comfort. The greatest thing I've seen is how a family pulls together to comfort and protect eachother in such a time of loss.

My Granddaddy passed away yesterday. It was a very hard loss for me but also very welcomed. It's hard to feel such relief and grief all at the same time. But I'm so thankful to have had him in my life for 26 years and even more thankful that he is no longer suffering and is in Heaven with our Lord. To know the depth of his love was the greatest gift ever... to be moved by his words in his last days was a comfort. You see, each Grandchild held a special place in Granddaddy's heart - and we all felt very close to him and very special in our own right. We each have a story to tell about the Granddaddy that we knew and loved.

For me, being the first Granddaughter, I was a little princess - doted over and very well taken care of. Granddaddy told the story many times over the years, and in his last days as well, of how he promised my Mom when she was pregnant with me a new air conditioning unit if she had a girl. We got the air conditioning unit and it was installed before I even came home from the hospital.

I will miss Granddaddy and his white haired wisdom. I'll think fondly and often about how he used to "beard" us. I'll forever be grateful that he left this earth knowing that I'm well taken care of by my husband - and he didn't have to ask anymore "Are you married yet?" I've been hearing that since my teen years! I'll say my daughter-to-be's name and think of him and the legacy that he has left for her to live up to. So many things to cherish that he left us all with. For now for every smile on my face there is a tear in my eye as I ponder the change in my life now that he is gone. Time will pass and seasons will change - and he will always be missed - but as my heart heals I'll be able to smile and have tears of joy rather than sadness whenever I think of Granddaddy.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Thank God for my parents!

I had an epiphany. Seriously, I was thinking about the choices I have made and where I am now because of them. Without the guidance, love and support of my parents growing up I would not be the woman of strength that I am today.

There are many decisions that I could have made differently that probably would have put me in a place where I wouldn't want to be. But I had confidence enough in myself to know what I did and didn't need and what I would and wouldn't accept for myself and what I was capable of doing on my own.

So, thanks Mom and Dad and Capelli for all that you have done to guide me, strengthen me, encourage me, and for the occassional kick in the pants. :-) Without that I would not be marrying the love of my life in 37 days. I would not be the successful career woman that I am. I would not be the loving and strong mom that I am. But above all, I would not be the Child of God that I am.

Thank you Lord for all the support you have place in my path. Lord bless them, keep them, and draw them closer to you each day.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Pet Peeves

Know what really bothers me?

1. Big mouths and gossips who love to talk about other people's business
2. Keeping up with the Joneses
3. Prissy pots who love to talk about everyone else's fashion faux pas
4. People who "tolerate" kids but have that total look of disdain
5. The terrible service we've just come to expect and accept at any customer service oriented place... especially resturaunts.

I guess that's it for now. You guys know I don't normally rant - but it's been a tough week.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I wish I knew

((Another I didn't publicly post... haven't read it since until now. Kinda has a whole new meaning in hind sight! Love it when this happens!))

I wish I knew the right thing to do
My heart is torn and I feel so blue
The word just won't come
Oh, what to do
If he only knew

Would he kiss me
Lay down beside me and touch my face
Make me feel so secure in such a scary place

If he only knew...
The fear that tells my heart what I can't do
The places that my mind runs to
The feeling I can't shake that it just ain't enough
Who ever knew love would be this tough

I wish I knew the words to say
I wish I could put my heart on display
I need him to know
Oh, what to do
If he only knew

Friday, July 6, 2007

A Strong Woman VS A Woman of Strength

I LOVE this. Ran across it and just HAD to repost!

*A Strong Woman versus A Woman of Strength*

A strong woman works out everyday to keep her body in shape...
...A woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...
...A woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...
...A woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...
...A woman of strength realized life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face...
...A woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
...A woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Author Unknown

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

It's been a while

So I'm out of practice with writing my blogs regularly like I had been doing. Life has just been so busy that although I've longed to write, to express myself, to get it out of my head and on the digital paper... I haven't had a lot of time to do so. Soooo... sorry for not keeping you guys in the know on what is up with me.

So... less than 4 months to go til the day I become Mrs JD. Things have been hectic trying to find a new place to do the wedding... Grrrrrr. We somehow never made it to the calendar at RiverPoint. We have something in place to have the wedding at Wynfield Plantation... but I recently learned that an old farm house is actually available for weddings and receptions that is EXACTLY what I would want. So, it may be changing but at least we have a date locked in for us somewhere right now.

Ugh... budget, flowers, checking up on bridesmaids and groomsmen, catering, wedding vows, music... it's wearing me out!!! It's all swirling in my head like a toilet bowl in constant flush mode... the loud commercial kind that are in the mall bathroom and echo horribly... yeah, that roaring, sloshing sound it about what it like in my head. LOL

But I tell you what - God is good! He has continued to bless and provide. He has met us at every need. No matter how inconsistent I am He is always right there... and knowing that is motivation enough to keep me going. Without his grace and mercy I would be without hope... because frankly, I mess up all the time. But He knew I would never be able to be perfect and that is why He sent His Son. I tell you what... like Mary (John 12:3) my alabaster jar is full of hopes and dreams... my life, everything I am and will be... all that I have. And I want to honor Him with it as much as she did by annointing the feet of her Lord.
Well, tis late - I must go. Goodnight all!

God bless

The Future Mrs JD

Sunday, May 6, 2007

He's the best

I just got back from an incredible birthday weekend in Atlanta. My wonderful future husband took me to the Martina McBride concert at the Gwinnett Center Arena... which was FABULOUS, but not nearly the highlight of my weekend. The best part was spending time with the love of my life... and somehow falling deeper in love with him than I was before. For the record, I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did.

Although I drug him all over Hotlanta and introduced him to countless people from my distant youth... he kept a smile and followed wherever I lead him. It's amazing how the small things really count... he impressed my Father with his thoughtfulness and caring... and most of all with the way he treats not just his daughter but also his grandbaby. I can't tell you what a blessing it is to have this man in my life.

We are a good team... and I've said that many times - but we came back this evening even stronger as a couple... more united, more in tune, more focused... and more in love. Growth... that is what it is all about. If you aren't moving forward you are moving back... and if you aren't growing together you are growing apart. But with that in mind I still can't fathom how I will ever top the way I feel about him now.

I thank my Heavenly Father for my JD! He's the best!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I'm supposed to be at the gym

I'm really supposed to be at the gym right now but after being on my feet over half the day I just don't have it in me. No motivation what so ever. So, here I am instead blogging... which is something I haven't done in quite some time.

So life for me right now is pretty hectic. Being a mom, a fiancé, dedicated employee, home owner and wedding planner extrodianierre is all very time consuming. In the midst of all the activity I'll be honest that the Lord has really taken a back burner. It's such a shame... so very sad... that the very one who has been so faithful to me through it all and blessed me with everything that I have get my left-overs.

At the end of the day, when I'm worn out an depleated of mental capability I sap out this sorry little prayer... and what's more, I'm half asleep before I can even finish. He gives me breath and life... and he sent His Son that we would have life more abundant... but I'll tell you right now that I'm not living the abundant life. Stress and frustration and busyness are dominating my life right now. Why would I allow that???

Bottom line - time to get back on track. Praise my gracious Heavenly Father above for a fresh start any time I ask for it!!! If you need one too... just remember, all you gotta do is ask!

Love Always,

The Future Mrs JD

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Let it go!

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to......


If you are holding on to past hurts and pains......


If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....


If someone has angered you.......


If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......


If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......


If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents......


If you have a bad attitude.......


If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......


If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......


If you're feeling depressed and stressed.........


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......


Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!


Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then......


"The Battle is the Lord's!"

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

More on authenticity

Is there something desperately wrong with me that I don't seem to understand why people act the way they do? Am I so strange because with me what you get is what you see. I've said it all before... I don't get why people wear masks and hide who they really are or how they really feel. And what can I say? If someone doesn't give me the opportunity to address an issue because they never tell me that there is one... then the blame certainly cannot be on me.

If you've got a concern, and issue, hurt feelings - whatever - come out and say it! The thing is... there is probably not a person on this planet that I wouldn't like. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do for a living, how you live, how you dress, whether you are married or single, black or white or red or yellow or even purple. Idealistic as I may be... I love people. It is what I am commanded to do by Christ. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. I have my fair share of issues just as there are things others may do that I don't agree with - and I may not follow that person into the mud pit - but I'll hang out with them and love on them... and it would be genuine.

Whatever anyone may think of me... one thing I certainly am not is judgemental. I could never be the one to throw the first stone - or any stone at all for that matter. I've been in the pit - and I still find myself hovering over it at times... but I'm determined that I am going to live free of that bondage - and in Christ's power I know that I can. Whatever small and fleeting pleasure there may be in what I'm looking at as I hover over the pit... I know it's nothing in comparison to the internal joy and freedom I have in Christ... and the sheer happiness I have as I think of the grace and love of my Lord... for ME.

At any rate, I'll point you back to my blog on authenticity - one that evidently needs to be revisited in my life at this point. I am who I am and I will not put on a show for anyone. So you can be garanteed that if I tell you something I mean it. If I say I like you I do. If I am nice... it's because I'm nice. You get the idea.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Men should come with warning labels

Along my journey in life I have discovered many different things that have changed the way that I view life and people; things that have changed the way that I respond to situations and people. I consider myself to be a well adjusted individual, level-headed, and kind-hearted. I choose to see the positive in people and give the benefit of the doubt more often than not. Some call that naivete… I call it hope. It gives me much more joy in life to expect the best and deal with the disappointments as they come than constantly living in pessimism and doubt and viewing the positive things as happenstance seems to give others that I know.

I have a hope (much like MLK had a dream, lol) that people will treat me with the same respect, kindness, and consideration that I show them. That doesn't always happen, unfortunately, and when it doesn't, as with some recent circumstances in my life, that can leave you reeling. I'm not completely dissillutioned because of this one bad experience. If allowed that I would have lost hope long ago. But I think I gain a little more insight with each experience with disappointment.

The Lord has really blessed me with opportunities; opportunities of prosperity and opportunities of growth. I'll tell you one thing, opportunities of growth aren't always pleasant but they are always prosperous if you will use what you learned.

Through all the hardships and mishaps I have gained insight and even found humor. I have found ways to be at peace with my past and what has made me who I am to the point that I can share about it and laugh. After having shared some of these insights and humor with a friend (my now wonderful fiancé) who had read some of my writings in blogs on Myspace he encouraged me to write about it. I had never thought of really being a writer, although all my life I had been praised for my talent with words.

The thought to actually write a book came at a time in my life that I was dealing with the confusion that can come with relationships with the opposite sex. As has often been the case in the history of my love life, I was getting mixed signals. I was very much into the guys I was dating at the time, Jason. He was always sure to say all the right things but he didn't always follow the with actions that backed up his words. Two months and many excuses later I had had enough. Out of all of this has come the idea for "Men should come with warning labels." The idea is to present serious issues in relationships and hard hitting topics with a little bit of humor.

I've come up with a few things and working on some more. I can use encouragement and even ideas for things to write about – so please ladies, feel free to tell me what warning labels you think men should come with. I'll keep you post on my progress.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Wedding bells and puppy dog tails

Ever wonder how getting married changes the dynamics of a relationship? Just get engaged and start planning a wedding - I think that is close enough!!! I tell ya, for a guy who said - just plan it and I'll show up regarding his wedding (mind you this was pre-engagement) he sure has a lot of opinions and has been very involved! Now, don't get me wrong - I love it! I love the fact that he wants the day to be perfect too - I just wish his idea of perfect and my idea of perfect were one in the same. LOL There are things that he really cares about that I don't. Likewise there are things that I very much care about that really don't matter to him. But I guess if it weren't that way he would be my best gal pal instead of my fiancé. Amen?

So, along with the wedding bells and typical sugar and spice and everything nice girly stuff... there's also the snips and snails and puppy dog tails. I'm just so happy to be marrying such a wonderful, loving, and attentive man. I often wonder if anyone is as lucky as me? So... anyone else lucky enough to marry a man that tells her she is beautiful every day? One that shares in rejoicing over the blessing that God seems to pouring over us daily? One that will stand behind her 100% on any decision?

Does it get any better? OK Lord - I'm waiting expectantly... sooooo.... does it??? :-)

Being that KK is going in for surgery at 7:15 in the morning I guess I should be getting off here and heading to bed. Keep us in your prayers! I think this is probably going to be a little harder on mommy than it is on KK. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for all your love and concern!

God bless,

The Future Mrs JD