Thursday, July 6, 2006

Independent on Independence Day

There's so much that has come to light for me in the last few days that I had not to this point thought of. Sure, I knew that for some reason I need to have a place of my own, my own space where I don't feel the pressure to stay out of anyone elses way. I have often wondered though, it's difficult raising a child as a single mom and balancing work, a child, household chores and errands, and some sembalence of a social life when I live with my parents who help out alot... how in the world do I think I can do it all alone. I am certainly thankful for the support but I think I have finally put my finger on what it is about living in a house with my parents and trying to raise a child that is so difficult... and the funny thing is, they had to leave for me to figure it out, lol.

So, the scoop is that Mom and Capelli have gone on this week long frollick on the motocycle to Tennessee. We've missed them, of course... but KK and I have had ourselves a very nice time. I have been quite productive in getting laundry done, keeping the house tidy, fixing dinner, cleaning up KK's meal time messes, bath time, story time, and bed time, and subsequently, bill paying time, phone time, a little bit of TV time, and many other things. I even managed to host a July 4th cook out and did most of the prep, cooking, and clean up. I'm quite proud of myself, because for anyone who knows me you realize what an accomplishment it is for me to keep my head together from start to finish of an event... scatter-brained as I am.

I have had a bit of a social life this week as well. Of course there was the cook out and I have eaten dinner at friends houses and watch a movie one night. I have also had the opportunity to catch up with friends via the phone.

So... what happened? What is so dramatically different about Mom and Capelli not being here? This is what I have surmized... I simply don't feel the pressure to measure up to their standards rather than my own. I don't feel that twing of anxiety when I leave KK's meal time mess under the high chair to clean up after I give her a bath. I don't have to wonder "what'd I do or not do now" every time I hear my name called across the house. I don't have to worry that KK is disturbing someone's television time or sleep. I can do laundry when it's convenient for me without having to worry about those darn metal buttons and clamps clanging in the dryer and disturbing someone's sleep. Simply put, I can do things my way... and that makes my life so much easier.

See, although my mother and I are very much alike, our brains think on completely different spectrums. If I do something one way, you better believe she will have a way of doing it that is completely opposite... the problem with that is that we both are pretty particular about the way things are done... she likes her way and I like mine. Silly, I know, but for example I'm picky about the way clothes and towels are folded as is she... that is a source of contention in our household, lol. Really, if we do eachother's laundry we try to comply with eachother's standards as much as possible, but it's hard to re-train yourself. But... that's just a silly example. We really do think on different brain waves, we can even draw two totally different conclusions from the same story or movie.

So, naturally, the way I do things around the house is different, in a different order of priority, using different methods, etc. Where I would happily spray an area with cleanser and mop it up with a dish cloth and my feet my mother would probably get out the real thing and do a quick damp mop.

While I'm in the bathroom bathing KK who often comes out of her highchair covered in whatever was for dinner Mom may pass by her meal time mess several times. It doesn't bother me... I'm not looking at it, I wouldn't even think of it if I weren't concerned with it bothering her or Capelli, but trust it is probably bothering her. She is probably wondering when I will clean it up or even if I will. If it were her she would clean the mess before bathing KK. I don't know how, because she needs a bath before she can be let loose or the house would be peas and carrot crusted work of art... but she knows how because she thinks differently than I do. By worry about meeting her standards I get myself worked up and in a hurry to get things done before anyone gets in a tizzy. Consequently, I'm doing things contrary to my thought pattern and the way my brain works, which throws me into one of those scatter-brained spins and I forget about the laundry that needs to be put in the dryer or the dishes in the sink, or I sweep the mess under the highchair into a pile but never make it back with the dust pan. It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but as I'm doing one thing I'm frantically thinking of all the other things that need to be done that Mom would probably have already had done if it were her.

I know this is getting long and drawn out, but it was good to get all this out on virtual paper, hehe. Suffice to say that being independent on Independence Day was a good experience for me. Not only have I come to realize where the difficulty is, which is half the battle in resolving it (if indeed it is resolvable), but I think I also gained some confidence in my own abilities as a mother and a homemaker.... yeah, a homemaker... just because I work outside the home doesn't mean I don't have to work when I get here. I think someone forgot to mention that somewhere along the way... bummer. But I wouldn't change a thing. Life's most precious gifts are usually the one's you have to work the hardest for. We've all learned the lesson that you appreciate things more when you have to work for them.

Carpe diem!


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