Friday, June 9, 2006

Teach me thy ways

Ok, so the last few weeks I feel like I have been through the wringer. Life at 25 with a child living with your parents is not peachy. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of why I am here, but that time in my life is behind me and I am moving on to a much better, much happier life, the abundant life that God promises us. It's ours for the taking, but I have such a hard time remembering that I have to reach out for it daily... and die to myself and all my pride.

The jest of it is that I want so much more for KK, and I want more for me too. I want my own space. I want to live my life and raise my daughter without feeling like I've got my mother over my shoulder watching my every move. I'd be great if I felt like I was the Mom for once instead of her. The fact is that she's older, she has more experience, and she is wiser. Therefore, as I am trying to raise my daughter and be her mother, I get plenty of advice along the way... ampng other things. You say "You should be grateful for the help." Wait til you have your own children, you will know what I am talking about. She doesn't do it trying to make me feel inadequate, or even because she thinks I am... she's just trying to help. I have tried to make the point to her that I need to be able to care for KK myself and feel like I'm the mother. I need the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them like any other mother. She doesn't get it or she can't control that motherly instinct... I don't know which but I seriously am having difficulty with it.

In all the frustration and angst I tend to be a little on the testy side with her. I don't mean to, it just comes out... and then I'm thinking... what did I say that like that for. But of course who wants to admit they are wrong... I often do, but I don't like it. So I have been doing alot of apologizing lately. But I've continued like a spiral into this funk... I feel terrible about my current sitch when I should be grateful. There have been moments that I can't bear to think about it without tearing up. And it hit me... like a dagger in the heart. Oh Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. He's revealing things in me that need to change, things that I need to hand over to him. I'm telling you, this stuff will break your heart. For all he has done for me... and I'm stuck in this petty little rut?! Get over yourself L!

So, here I am bearing my soul... which is so unlike me. I have been through so much in my life and learned tough lessons about who you can trust. Needless to say I don't open up easily. Sure, I may share about myself, and some very deeply personal things, but not with the affect with which I share myself and who I truly am with someone I trust and care about. Those people in my life who not only know my story but know what it means to me, how it's shaped me, and how I feel about... those are my closest friends and love ones. They are the one's I trust and open up to. So, I'm shocking myself here.

I will totally have a fit if I lose another long heart felt blog before I can get it posted. Yeah, I had a good one ready to post a few nights ago and clicked a link that opened in the window that the blog I was getting ready to post was in. If you have ever done it you know what I'm talking about. I hit the back button and for the second time in my myspace stint I had lost it all!
So, anyway, my point really is that the Lord is working on me and using my circumstances to reveal things that he wants to change in me. So, I'm having some growth pains I guess you could say. Going thru the trials is bad enough but as Beth Moore would say, it slays me to have the truth revealed to me about myself.

Bless our God, O peoples!
Give him a thunderous welcome!
Didn't he set us on the road to life?
Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?
He trained us first,
passed us like silver through refining fires,
Brought us into hardscrabble country,
pushed us to our very limit,
Road-tested us inside and out,
took us to hell and back;
Finally he brought us
to this well-watered place.

Psalm 66:8-12 from The Message

For every difficulty, every trial, each and every spot He reveals and then burns out of me, I am coming closer to being pure, to showing a reflection of Christ in me. For that I am truly grateful because that means that despite my past I do not live in defeat and despair because I through Him I am victorious. That doesn't mean that everything will be great all the time, but that I have the joy of the Lord in my heart regardless of my circumstances.

I'm posting my favorite story about the refining of silver as soon as I can find it.

Thanks for listening!


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