Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I break for blogging

So it's lunch and God has been weighing pretty heavy on me these last few days. I have a lot on my heart and mind and felt like I needed to express myself a little. So, I'm taking this opportunity on my lunch break to blog.

I know God has filled me with purpose in order to fulfill a purpose for which he purposed me. The purposed for which he filled me with purpose I have not purposed myself toward achieving. In fact, I would have to say I have run from it. In my heart I've know that there was something... something I never could quite grasp about what God wanted me to do with my life. I couldn't grasp it likely because I distanced myself from it. But I can see clearly that God made me and shaped me to do exactly what he has called me to.

I feel some guilt for having ignored, not recognized, or just plain run from God's plan for me. At the same time I feel fear that maybe I'm wrong... after all, seems I've been wrong so far. I've already determined that I'm not using my God given talents and in fact some of what I do flies in the face of my weaknesses. But I have to remember that life is a journey and God is going to put things in my path that will develop me spiritually, emotionally, and personally. I can't say definitively that way back when I was even intended to recognize God's purpose... perhaps I was where he purposed me to be for that time... as a way to develop me and bring me to the place I need to be in order to serve his purpose.

I've said before that sometimes you just have to say "Maybe that is what it took." Well, maybe this is what it took to bring me to the point I needed to be to say "Here am I, Lord, send me." Now don't get me wrong... I'm still working on the "send me" part... because I honestly don't want to do this. But he is definitely leaning hard and pushing me towards that. All along the way before this revelation came about his has placed people, circumstances, scripture, and lessons in my life that all come in agreement with what I am hearing. And though I'm asking for clarity and hoping the message will change - perhaps I misunderstood or misinterpreted - it isn't changing. He isn't budging.

This isn't about what I want to do... this is about what glorifies Him. And I'm praying in the mean time that He will bring my heart into alignment with His will and purpose for me. Please pray in agreement with that. For now, it's time for me to get back to work.

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