Thursday, May 4, 2006

25 and a ways to go

Ok, so now I'm 25. I didn't feel that magic time clock kick in. I got ragged at work quite a bit about being such a baby... the ladies I work with are mid 30's to late 40's, and although I have nothing at all against them I will say they are just jealous... or one in particular.

You know how it goes. Someone says something totally rude and then they laugh real loud and real hard and swear up and down they didn't mean it... and that usually means they did. And that's sad, because you know, I'm a genuine person and I like to see the best in folks. It's heart breaking to think that someone is so insecure in themself that they have to tear down someone that has been nothing but true and kind and genuine. And all I can do is pray for the Lord to continually help me to have mercy, grace, and forgiveness in my heart. Lord knows he's shown so much to me!

But that's enough of that!!! So I didn't really do anything special for my birthday. I have been so busy planning Makayla's that I haven't really thought about my birthday. And I don't know why everyone made such a big deal of it. I mean... now that I'm a mom it just doesn't seem so significant to me anymore. I mean... don't get me wrong, I'm pretty darn excited that my insurance is going down (whoohooo!). I mean, my mom seriously pitched a fit over the whole thing! I wasn't trying to upset anyone, but I just want to focus on my daughter. I think that is a great thing, especially since she is the best birthday gift I ever recieved (no offense to all those who have gotten me great gifts over the years).

So, I guess the big 2-5 all really comes down to analyzing where I am in my life compared to where I thought I would be (or rather where I thought I would want to be). And I'm really not there. But then again, I'm much closer than many of my peers. People are waiting longer to get married, longer to have kids (well, in some cases anyway), and longer to grow up and show some adult responsibility. In my case, I'm just waiting longer on the married part. And at this time I am definitely ok with that. The Lord will reveal to me when the time is right.

Boy what twists and turns my life has taken. If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be right now... I don't want to think about what I would have said. I thought I'd be in Atlanta, I thought I'd be with Chris (oh... wow, did I just write, er type that?), and I thought I'd be working on a music career. A year before that... GEEZ! That would be Kenny... I thought I'd be in Indiana, I thought I'd be married with 2 step-children and maybe 1 on the way, I thought I'd be in grad school to become a psychologist. And, ok, let's even go back a couple of years before that... I didn't think I would ever move away from Atlanta, and especially back to the Bany, I thought I'd be in medical school to become a neonatoligist, I thought I'd have found Mr. Right, be newly married and contemplating kids.

Ok, so for all those who thought until this point that I really had it together, I just blew it for you. I will say though, that life changes you, and you have to be ready and willing to make the appropriate adaptations and willing to admit when you were wrong about the direction you were taking and actively choose to take a step in the right direction (was that a run on?). So, while I may not have always gotten it right the first, or second, or even the third time, I can say that I have grown and adapted well.

We are all works in process. God is in the process of refining me, and one of these days I will turn up as pure gold. But until then, you are stuck on this earth with me as imperfect and human as I may be. God bless you all! :-)

By now it's no longer really my birthday... it is now KK's birthday. In just 2 hours and twenty some minutes she will be exactly 1 yr old. Just 1 year and look at her, and the impact she has made on my life. What a sweet little blessing... even with the sleepless nights and as of late endless poopie diapers of the explosive kind. When she looks at me and leans in with her mouth wide open for a big wet kiss, and then lays her little head on my shoulder and says "aaahhhweeee" (which she picked up because I always say "Awe-weee, that's so sweet" when she gives me kisses) my heart just wants to burst with love. I can't imagine one day without walking in the door from work with her there waiting to greet me with a big smile and those beautiful big brown eyes (the Fallin brown eyes).

And so another days rolls into another, which will roll into another sooner or later. Thankfully I elected to take a vacation day tomorrow and spend time with KK. Such a precious gift... and to think, in her eyes I am hero. To quote Martina, "I see who I want to be, in my daughters eyes." And for the next 5 I guess that will be my direction.



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